


May

by biinu



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Claustrophobia, Exes, Love Triangles, M/M, Melancholy, Melodrama, Music, Platonic Kissing, Post-Break Up, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-12 05:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19125235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biinu/pseuds/biinu
Summary: Let's do our best to be honest to each otherAnd to open our hearts to one anotherTell me, do you love me?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i swear i'm not a weeb but i got the idea for this while watching anime ?? anyway i like this a lot ..... and i hope you'll like it too <3

_**January** _

 

 

 

In January, moving meant change, moving meant a new life. Hyunjin’s new apartment was still naked, ready for the changes. He had forgotten the open windows in his bedroom, and so it rained peacefully onto the floor. Hyunjin was carrying his moving boxes into the apartment, cheerfully humming a tune. Mum and dad would be coming over later today. Today was a good day.

 

It smelled of morning dew and rainy nights. Throughout the whole night it had been raining buckets, pouring onto the asphalt and busy city. He was from a small town by the forest, raised between a mixture of people, but he’d always dreamed of the city and thus he was pulled to the neon city nights when it was more lively than during daytime. Hyunjin was still new, he had never visited this place before, but he had always known that when he moved out of his parents’ house then he would do so properly, seeking refuge someplace new.

 

Hair tousled, coffee stain on his pyjama shirt, wearing a pair of blue shorts, Hyunjin heaved the final box into the living room. He wanted to keep everything there and in the storage room until his final set of furniture arrived. Moving was stressful, but there was also something charming about spending the nights on a mattress below the window in an empty room, resting in the shadows and listening to the city. He hadn’t grown tired of it yet.

 

When he was done, Hyunjin prepared a little snack for the neighbour’s cat, who regularly peeked through his window and announced itself as a coy visitor. Hyunjin had never had a pet before so he talked to his new neighbour about it; as long as he wasn’t feeding her a lot, he was fine with it. Sometimes Hyunjin would catch the cat in his living room when he left the windows open. For some reason he found it very endearing — and he decided to ‘forget’ to close the windows more often, just to see Bibi again.

 

Today was going to be even more stressful than usual. He wasn’t able to cook for his parents yet because while his kitchen had been prioritised and installed first, he didn’t have anywhere except for his couch to really sit yet. His parents wanted to take him out for lunch but it stressed Hyunjin; he was the one who left, he should be treating his parents to something nice. After all he was the second and final son to leave them behind.

 

 _What Jinyoung might be doing now,_ he wondered, a recurring thought he had every once in a while. Jinyoung was way older than him, and left home early to pursue his dreams. Once he had he’d never looked back. Sometimes Hyunjin wondered what it was like to have a brother who cared. He’d grown up without him, after all.

 

But for now it didn’t matter. He had to get dressed and he had to go to his interview. It was well into January and Hyunjin had chosen the time to move perfectly — a New Year’s resolution like this was one he could easily hold upright. Move away, start a new life, find a new job, forget him — it all sounded so good. Too good to be true, almost.

 

When he stepped outside and the wind swept through his hair, licked at his face and figuratively lifted him off his feet into the day, Hyunjin’s stress was all washed away. It might have been a very temporary feeling, no bother at all. What counted and what he needed was a change of scenery, frequently, so that he would grow.

 

He had tried to see as much of the city as he could. The beginning weeks after obtaining the apartment in the middle of the city — among a few corporations and constantly subjected to car honking, engines rolling, and people chattering — had been difficult. It meant traveling back and forth, restless nights at home and more peaceful ones in the apartment on the hard floor. It meant constantly worrying about what was next, and if he was doing this right, and if this hadn’t been a bad idea after all. But he pushed through. And now he was here. After overcoming the first obstacles he allowed himself to look around, see what was around him, what he’d pushed himself into. The city had been a recommendation by an old friend Hyunjin rarely talked to anymore. Back then those talks and plans they had were just empty. But now that he’d chosen to leave, Hyunjin had remembered and followed the advice.

 

As much as he tried to deny it, he had primarily left because of a person. He tried to think about the practical sides of leaving home, like being free in word and act, but that wasn’t entirely it.

 

Home was not only a place: it was a pounding heart given to him and now it was time to follow his own. The memories he’d made were precious and shaped him into who he was now. It wasn’t easy to leave them behind and it took him too long to understand that he didn’t have to.

 

Hyunjin arrived on time for the interview and fixed his appearance in the rearview window of his car one more time. He’d parted his raven hair neatly and thrown on his most expensive-looking cheap suit. The only expensive things on him today were his Casio watch and the oxfords. Looks shouldn’t matter as much as they did but Hyunjin hoped to impress by temporarily locking away his shyness and answering confidently.

 

It went really well, at first he stuttered but he tried to calm down and soon the interview went smoothly. He walked out of the building with a good feeling. They were short on people after all — and he wasn’t so bad at the job. He’d never thought he’d end up working an office job growing up, but it wasn’t bad. He liked the atmosphere and he liked the people around him.

 

A glance at the watch told him he still had some time to kill before he was to head back home and unpack more things, making the apartment more presentable. He decided to take a newly discovered shortcut to the bookstore, which shared a building with a popular perfumery. The bookstore often went unnoticed and seemed to be a little secret, and Hyunjin wouldn’t have discovered it if he hadn’t cared about getting lost for a day and walked every street, alley, corner he came across.

 

He settled with a book in the little coffee place in the bookstore but couldn’t really concentrate on reading. The clock and time was ever so present in his mind; he constantly had to check his wrist, had to see what time it was, and maybe he should go home earlier. He barely got any reading done and it frustrated him to no end, so he simply decided to make the purchase and leave. _Kafka On The Shore_ in hand, Hyunjin left for home.

 

Mum and dad were more excited than usually when he greeted them at the door. They had gotten lost around the, admittedly, fairly complicated apartment complex. Once they had found Hyunjin’s place they couldn’t stop smiling and it wasn’t until they stepped inside that Hyunjin saw why.

 

They'd brought someone along. Jinyoung left so early, Hyunjin sometimes found himself struggling to remember his face and he would sometimes find it too depressing to look for photos to make up for that space. The only thing he’d had of Jinyoung’s was something that he had personally given him before leaving for good. For some reason Jinyoung seemed to know he’d longed for the city and gave him a set of CDs. _80s/90s City Pop For City Boys Like You._ Hyunjin had memorised all of the Japanese songs and listened to them so many times that he was able to sing along without it sounding awkward.

 

Jinyoung had left so long ago, it felt weird that Hyunjin recognised him as soon as he stepped before him.

 

He wasn’t alone. He’d brought … a wife and a kid too, and they were all glowing, smiling from one corner of the mouth to the other. Jinyoung’s eyes showed a hint of something else, something that could have been remorse but bordered more onto sadness.

 

Anger boiled up within Hyunjin. He’d painted this moment in his brain so many times. He’d tried to imagine meeting Jinyoung so, so many times after all these years. He’d gotten married. Had a baby. Raised that little girl to the age of five so far. How he could hide his family luck from them was absolutely beyond Hyunjin. What had they done for Jinyoung to abandon them like this?

 

He didn’t have another choice but to accept his brother. Many, many years had passed in which Hyunjin didn’t even know if Jinyoung was alive and breathing. At least Jinyoung didn’t look like he didn’t feel the tiniest bit of guilt — he hinted at the contrary later that night, after lunch and dinner outside, on the balcony.

 

Jinyoung asked Hyunjin for a lighter, he didn’t have one so Jinyoung went back inside to go through his pockets and lit a cigarette before he could speak apologies in the moonlight. Hyunjin had calmed down for the evening, he’d played with his niece to get to know her and she fell in love with him too. Jinyoung’s wife spoke softly of work and life and she even addressed how Jinyoung was gone all these years. What was it that made him come back? They heard his stories of wandering and seeing and exploring — had Hyunjin never moved in his life, stayed in that shabby home at the end of the world because his parents hoped Jinyoung would come home?

 

On the balcony, Hyunjin preferred to freeze quietly than to speak if he wasn’t asked to. He was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts that stopped just below his knees, the cold dancing over his skin and making it perk up in gooseflesh. Hyunjin waited for Jinyoung to say something. He didn’t know what. He didn’t have expectations. He knew he wanted him to say sorry but he couldn’t bring himself to hope.

 

Why did it anger him so much? All these years he’d gone without him; he should be celebrating his return.

 

Looking over the railing, down onto the cars, the lights in the distance, feeling his brother’s presence, Hyunjin closed his eyes. Was it the built up anger from all these months? Anger he hadn’t known how to work down, simply pushing it aside?

 

“I heard of Jisung,” said Jinyoung, taking a swig of his half-empty bottle of water. “And what happened.”

 

That name. Hyunjin now knew it was the rage from all of it. Not only Jinyoung. All of it started getting to him.

 

It was so strange. Leaving home. Trying someplace else. Home wasn’t only mum, dad, their four walls and the garden. Home wasn’t the town and its weather. Jisung had been home too, now a bittersweet memory from the past.

 

So many things Jinyoung could have said. Anything but this. “I’m glad I didn’t have to tell you myself,” Hyunjin responded, gritting his teeth, knuckles turning white over the railing. “I don’t really like talking about it, you know.”

 

Jinyoung looked at him for a long time, saying nothing. Another swig from the bottle. Hyunjin was ever so aware of every little thing he did. “Sorry.”

 

And then he went inside. Walked past his daughter, to the bathroom. Hyunjin didn’t know how else to spend the night if not to catch up with his brother or wait until he heard the sorry he needed, not the one that he got.

 

They didn’t talk much after that, but they did exchange numbers. Hyunjin had spent the rest of the night with Mia, allowing her to tell him about all of her friends in kindergarten. And everything she liked to do for fun. And all of her stuffed toys and what foods they enjoyed. Hyunjin found Mia very comforting. She took more after her mum, which was a good thing.

 

 

Hyunjin made his first new friend at the worn-down bookstore, that looked vintage but wasn’t necessarily. Unlike most bookstores he’d ever gone to, this one played quiet music in certain corners of the place for the people who enjoyed having a little background music, not loud enough to distract, no words to take the concentration.

 

She wore a black midi-dress with brown buttons, way too lightly dressed for January, immune to the cold, wore her hair up in a bun with strands hanging out here and there, and walked especially fast for someone who wore shoes that high. Yuqi was too short for the book she wanted to get off the shelf and Hyunjin helped her out.

 

He thought that would be all, but Yuqi got a glance at the book he was holding himself and started talking right away. Said it was part of the precious ones in her collection. Showed him a photo of her own library on her phone. Her goal was to build her own gigantic library, and she wasn’t scared of writing into her books so her future children could see what their mother had thought when she first read the book.

 

Their conversation had gotten personal quickly. They’d settled with a coffee in the section that played quiet instrumentals and talked until they lost track of time. Hyunjin was always more on the shy side, though it wasn't particularly bad, but Yuqi didn’t make things awkward or forced any topic that she’d picked up Hyunjin didn’t know what to say about.

 

Little did he know this friendly conversation would mean a new close friend. There was something about her energy, about her excitement about someone new in the city she could show around that really captured Hyunjin's attention. Yuqi knew every nook and cranny and told him everything about her favourite places and things he should see, too. She helped him move in and was there until he’d finished setting up his apartment. Through her he’d met Kim Woojin, and even though the two had already been close friends, they didn’t make Hyunjin feel left out.

 

Woojin was particularly fond of that cat that would occasionally sneak into Hyunjin’s room. He’d only ever heard of her, and when he saw the legend itself announcing her visit by tapping her paw on the window, he was utterly delighted. Hyunjin took a little longer opening up more to Woojin, but Woojin was such a laid-back man with the most … positively neutral outlook on life Hyunjin had ever encountered, if such a thing was possible.

 

At night Hyunjin still felt weird about having left home. For most people it didn’t seem to be big of a deal. But to Hyunjin, at night, he found himself missing Jisung more than ever.

 

Jisung was a figure from his past that had accompanied him from his very first school year to the eve of adulthood and through the first years of it. Jisung had been there for it all, a friend at first who turned more because they had the potential to be — and now it was gone. Hyunjin had sworn himself that he could use the new year to his advantage, encompass all his goals in his resolution and prioritise getting over Jisung. But who ever stuck to resolutions?

 

It felt weird to have done the same thing Jinyoung did and feel anger when he confronted him. No, he didn’t do the same thing. Jinyoung left with the intention of staying gone. Hadn’t it been for his wife, Hyunjin was sure Jinyoung wouldn’t have come back. What was so unpleasant about home? That was a question he could ask himself. But he was not like Jinyoung; he couldn’t have been. Hyunjin wouldn’t ever have the heart to leave mum and dad behind for the purpose of flourishing.

 

Nights were sometimes very dreadful. They were moments of his day where no thoughts kept him busy. Where his hands weren’t doing anything and his feet weren’t carrying him anywhere. Night made way for all the thoughts, and Hyunjin knew he shouldn’t be missing Jisung.

 

He’d promised himself he’d move on.

 

✧

 

Yuqi started sleeping over at his place more often than she slept at her own. She was comfortable with him and who he was. Hyunjin figured she might have fallen in love with his couch. She insisted it was the view from his balcony.

 

Throughout February, Hyunjin had mainly focused on adjusting to his new workplace. They had hired him and asked him to come in early, so by the middle of February he was fully settled in. He finally allowed himself to meet even more people. Yuqi knew virtually everyone in this city; everyone who’d klick with Hyunjin, that is.

 

She and Woojin showed him the more secluded areas of the city, the places nobody went to. “That makes me feel like an outcast,” said Hyunjin as they jumped down a dirty flight of stairs into a basement that, supposedly, was a bar for the ones who knew how to find it.

 

“Outcast is the wrong word,” responded Woojin as he guided him to what was indeed a bar full of people; by their faces, though, Hyunjin was able to tell that this was only for the ones who’d lost their path and wound up here sometime, and cared enough to keep returning. “This place is for everyone who appreciates it.”

 

And Hyunjin felt kind of warm, hearing that. He watched Yuqi and Woojin fight over which pool table they should use for a game, because Yuqi insisted the one she wanted was her lucky table. They truly made him feel like he was a welcomed part of them. After Jisung, Hyunjin hadn’t restricted himself of the things he loved to do. They were just more difficult to follow, having no one to do it with, constantly reminded of his break-up.

 

He’d found his new people. And, ultimately, Hyunjin wanted to start forgetting about Jisung. Hyunjin didn’t really have plans for his life from here on. But for the first time in forever, Hyunjin didn’t care about that so much.

 

 

 

 

**_March_ **

 

 

 

 

Sometime in March, Hyunjin was putting up photos in his apartment. He’d recently printed new photos, and he still recalled the feeling of their warmth in his palm. Yuqi had insisted they paint the frames. They were all adults only a year or two short of 25, but Yuqi made them forget about that; she brought paint and white frames for Hyunjin’s birthday and they painted them colors and pretended it didn’t look terrible while enjoying themselves greatly. Hyunjin hadn't had the time to think about what usually happened on his birthday. They all kept him busy and invited people he didn't know and the day had been over before he knew it.

 

The photos were mainly of them together, and with their friends Bang Chan, Ha Sooyoung and Hirai Momo. Hyunjin wasn’t as close to them as he was with Yuqi and Woojin, but they did hold a special place in his heart already. Other photos were of himself and Mia, which mum had been so delighted to take on the day of their visit.

 

When he got to the older photos, that’s when he became distracted. His gaze lingered longer on them. His fingers brushed the photo paper for a longer time. Ultimately he sat on his bed and simply flicked through what he had.

 

There were a lot of photos with a someone who used to be special. He knew he should throw them out. That was the rule. Parting ways and getting rid of everything they left behind. But Jisung hadn’t just been a boyfriend. He had also been a best friend. From when they were young.

 

Hyunjin didn’t even look at those photos. Maybe a little. He allowed himself to go through them quickly. They were a part of his collection after all. And it didn’t mean anything. Jisung was no longer in his life.

 

In a messed up way, going through the old memories was a lot of fun. Hyunjin saw pictures of him and Jisung when they were little, and pictures from when they were awkward teenagers. Four years as a couple until last year wasn’t so easily forgotten and was still important to his development. He gave himself the benefit of the doubt.

 

Soon he was lying on his back, one leg dangling off his bed and pulsing softly as he took another batch of photos out of the box and examined them. Some of his photos were carefully tucked into albums. Others he kept in boxes, rotating which ones he hung up and displayed. He found photos of himself with his grandparents. They weren’t with him anymore but Hyunjin was glad they found peace. He found photos of him playing in the mud, only wearing a diaper, and wondered why he was the one to have it and not his parents.

 

He’d always liked capturing moments. There was no photo he could think of he liked more than another. They were a part of him and for some reason, sometimes he needed the proof that he was real. Sometimes he had weird thoughts, making him realise that he _was,_ in a time and space, and it was worse now that he was living alone.

 

He relied a lot on Yuqi to make it go away. She still slept over whenever she pleased. It wasn’t like Hyunjin had someone else who might have been bothered … she kept him company and popped in to say hi whenever she could. Refreshing, to say the least. And even though it’d already been months, it never lost any of its charm.

 

Hyunjin stopped his periodical switching of photos when he stumbled across one he didn’t know he had.

 

It was him, he was guessing four years old, and Jinyoung, around sixteen. Side by side at the door, examining their height markings. Hyunjin’s was blue. Jinyoung’s was thick and red. He was already way too old for something like that.

 

But he was lifting Hyunjin next to himself, and Hyunjin was beaming, now just as tall as Jinyoung was, the blue marking at Jinyoung’s mid-thighs abandoned. He was as tall as his big brother. Hyunjin didn’t remember this ever happening.

 

If he hadn’t been too young to remember, it would have been a fond memory. Merely looking at the photograph now, Hyunjin felt a wave of nostalgia. And perhaps he shouldn’t have been so rough on Jinyoung after all. Looking at the photo, Jinyoung’s proud beaming, Hyunjin’s triumphant smile …

 

_I’m taller than hyung!_

 

_And stronger, too, little man!_

 

Hyunjin did have a memory of something similar. It was as though this used to be their sibling-thing. From the depths of the back of his mind Hyunjin felt something swell up, a collection of memories resurfacing; this used to be their thing. Hyunjin was always tiny, frail, got sick easily — Jinyoung was older by twelve years, already strong and with an outlook on life he’d shaped himself. Experiences Hyunjin couldn’t even imagine having because he didn’t have a grasp on life. Hyunjin was little and Jinyoung was so big — but this used to be their thing.

 

Maybe Jinyoung remembered. Hyunjin almost felt sorry that he hadn’t. Maybe Jinyoung remembered many more of those moments. Why had he left them behind?

 

His thoughts carried him back to his someone. Why had he left him behind? Hyunjin bit down on the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t his fault. It was simply how things had meant to go from the beginning, otherwise they would still be barefoot in the forest, talking about things that didn’t make sense until only cold told them to go home.

 

Hyunjin rolled off the bed, two photos in hand. He searched one of his drawers for a silver frame, simple and somewhat cold.

 

Inside, he first placed a photo of himself and Jisung, arms hooked around each other’s shoulders, smiling as though there was nothing evil in the world. Then he put the photo of him and Jinyoung at the door frame on top of it and put the glass back on.

 

He hung the photos at the end of the corridor, where no one would look anyway.

 

 

It was time to go back to his parents’ house for the first time in months. At first he had considered taking his friends, letting them see where he was brought up, but they were always loud and cheerful and on the day where it was time to leave, Hyunjin didn’t wake in a good mood. For today he sought out peace and quiet, and threw on a knee-long black coat before he made his way downstairs to his car. It was old and used and unpretty, but Hyunjin still cherished it. As long as it worked he had no need for a new one.

 

By his car, Hyunjin ran into his neighbour with the cat. Hyunjin had learned his name was Felix, a little all over the place sometimes, but kind from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. There was not a moment in which Hyunjin had caught him unsmiling; even when Felix expected nobody to be looking. Felix had just finished taking his cat to the vet and she was fast asleep in the carrier.

 

Hyunjin halted to talk to Felix, and what had meant to be a brief conversation turned into something way longer, until Felix’ cat moved and he figured he had to get her inside to feed her. Talking to him had lifted his spirits a little. He hadn’t thought there would be much to brighten his mood, not even the gentle March sun that shone down onto him in greeting.

 

He was ready to go after fastening his seatbelt, but he froze when he proceeded to turn on the engine. There was a little thing he had to do.

 

Hyunjin stretched and reached for the glove compartment, looking for something he hadn’t touched in ages but everything about it was still present in his mind from start to finish, from end to the beginning.

 

 _80s/90s City Pop for City Boys Like You_ played and Hyunjin didn’t think he would care as much as he did. Rolling out of the parking lot and hitting the streets, finally traveling back in what seemed like way too long already.

 

Song after song transported him to a time he’d never lived, to a place he’d never been to, and he sang along to what the artists had to tell him. Too much time had passed since he’d last gone on this journey.

 

_Gazing after you_

 

_Turning around I realize_

 

_Listen, I need you so_

 

_You’re still on my mind_

 

_If I run out into the rain_

 

_It won’t be to go home_

 

_I’ll run to you and hug you tight_

 

_Listen, I need you so_

 

_With all my heart, I want you_

 

_Turning around I realize_

 

_Still, I love you so_

 

_Please give me another chance_

 

✧

 

The house was exactly like he had left it, and he didn’t know why that surprised him so much. On the inside he felt like years had passed since he had last come here — in reality, his last memory here was so fresh he could almost touch it.

 

Mum and dad had cooked all his favourite dishes, even dishes he forgot he loved because he’d lived on instant ramen for a while until he finally had everything ready and he found the time to cook.

 

His parents were ageing. The house was too big for two, they told him, and it was true. They had stayed here because they waited for Jinyoung’s return and Hyunjin had grown up here. Now that both were gone and Jinyoung was more or less back in touch with them, it was time to move away, too. Something smaller. Easier to clean until their knees didn’t carry them long enough anymore. Mum and dad were really getting older, and Hyunjin felt as though it had been yesterday when he last saw white shorts, a flaming red shirt with matching lipstick and flowing black hair on mum.

 

He knew they were right but at the same time, he didn’t know how he felt about their letting go of the house. No doubt they would sell it. But was he ready to give this to someone else to live in? The thought alone felt so wrong. It didn’t sit right with Hyunjin at all, but if that’s what their hearts told them to do, then he had to keep his mouth shut.

 

But the garden did get dirtier. The grass grew long and persistent weeds found a new home there, too. His parents said Jinyoung, Minseo and Mia would be coming later today, also, so Hyunjin decided to kill some time by ridding the garden of its unwanted length and visitors. He hadn't ever worked a lawnmower before but he was so bored he decided to try it.

 

When Jinyoung and his family came to visit, the atmosphere was a lot less tense than before. At this point Hyunjin didn't know whether to be upset or not care at all. Either way he definitely felt better than before and Jinyoung was smiling at lot more too.

 

Mia held on tight to Hyunjin's leg. Hyunjin had troubles walking but that amused the little girl to no end. It was something very new to her; in her few years alive she'd never had an uncle or an aunt, grandparents or cousin. Minseo's family lived overseas, and so far they hadn't had the chance to go visit. Mia decided she liked having an uncle who liked her back.

 

"You need to be careful there," warned Hyunjin as he watched his niece jump up and down the little stairs of the garden. "It rained again last night. It's still slippery." When things started to look risky, Hyunjin snatched her off her feet and tickled her on the way back inside.

 

Hyunjin's old room felt different now. It was almost blank but his old bed and desk were there. He hadn't brought things to change into and was still debating whether to stay over the night or go back home. He caught himself creeping on tiptoes around his room and settled by the windowsill to watch the calm outside.

 

It was a view he already missed. He liked his new life but there were things that didn't compare to how things used to be before.

 

Lunch with the family was a lot more lighthearted now. Jinyoung laughed a lot. Hyunjin couldn't help but to.

 

"I was thinking maybe the two of us could drive away together sometime." Jinyoung sat on the mossy wet floor outside. "Catch up and do brotherly stuff. You know."

 

"The things we missed out on doing," Hyunjin responded, looking down to his crossed feet. It was silent for a while before Jinyoung agreed.

 

"So what do you think?"

 

Hyunjin didn't have to contemplate for long. "Let's do it. Might be difficult to get a while off because I started my new job not too long ago." But he wanted it. It was something that he'd always dreamed about.

 

"I would've asked you to introduce me to someone …" Jinyoung started and trailed off, looking at Hyunjin so intently that he had to look away. The morning dew had still left everything wet. It wasn't getting warmer than last night, the sky was grey and the first droplets were raining down onto the ground, splashing it a darker color. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened?"

 

"A lot of time passed," responded Hyunjin before his brother had even stopped talking. "Enough for me to get over him. I don't need to talk about it to feel better anymore."

 

He sounded harsher than he wanted to and he wasn't being truthful either. It had come out as a sudden outburst of words, without thinking. Before he could add something to make himself seem less bitter about it, Jinyoung spoke up.

 

"Fair enough. I figure we're not as close as we should be; you wouldn't want to tell these things to someone you don't really know." Jinyoung leaned back onto his elbows, watching the sky.

 

Crisp and clear, his voice gave off such a relaxation that just proved he wasn't upset. As though he was speaking a piece of undeniable truth. Nevertheless Hyunjin was very much affected by what he had said — he hadn't told anybody else of Jisung, not Yuqi or Woojin and nobody else. From the people he still knew only his parents and his old friends knew. And he considered himself terribly close to Yuqi and Woojin by now -- this was a different story.

 

"I'll talk about it sometime." Hyunjin shuffled in place and sighed. "I'll tell you when I'm ready."

 

"Any plans to start seeing someone else?" Jinyoung fished out a cigarette and had his lighter at hand this time.

 

Hyunjin coughed a little for which Jinyoung apologised and turned away whenever he took another pull.

 

Hyunjin hadn't really thought about that. "I guess not. I'm still a bit new there. I don't know if I'm ready to start dating."

 

"It's never too early to find yourself someone," Jinyoung shrugged. "I understand the preference, though."

 

 _Picture it._ Meeting someone else, laughing that way with someone else, having someone special to look forward to at night. It all seemed so far away, but not unpleasant. Maybe Yuqi could introduce him to someone when he felt the time was right.

 

"I'll think about it."

 

Later that day, before dusk arrived, Hyunjin made a spontaneous decision to head out to the forest with Mia. At first Jinyoung had been a little reluctant to agree; Mia got hurt easily, she was fragile and her skin bruised quickly, but Minseo told him to stop treating her like a porcelain doll. And it wasn't like Hyunjin wasn't going to be there to watch her every step.

 

The forest was also a place from his childhood. A lot of good and bad things happened there. From first meetings to final ones, from life changing lessons learned to heartbreaking discoveries. It was a place Hyunjin deemed neither good nor bad, it was a place he was destined to be at, and he went because he couldn't let it go. To everyone else it was but a forest. But to Hyunjin and everyone in this town, the forest was the setting of folklore and urban tellings and meant a lot more to them for no reason at all.

 

Hyunjin had laughed a lot but he had also cried here. With Mia the atmosphere was something else again.

 

He'd never really seen himself being an uncle but he was glad he got to see his niece. She insisted he carry her on his shoulders and urged him to walk more quickly through the glade, and when she told him to let her down, she ran around by herself and Hyunjin caught his breath for a moment.

 

There were a few spots in the forest that he loved, but they weren't easy to find. He showed Mia one by one. He ignored the old pieces of cloth he'd tied around a thick branch in a low tree with his past someone. He showed her the well, the hideout for little animals, and her personal favourite, the old tree house.

 

It was still safe to use but Hyunjin was too tall to sit properly inside, so he strained his neck watching Mia in the tree house, standing on two branches that withstood his weight.

 

Here the air was always different. It was brisk and lively, as if it was dancing to the quick sound of a flute. Hyunjin rolled back his shoulders and breathed more evenly. There were many things he associated with the forest; now there was something new. Maybe he would bring Jinyoung and his family out here for a picnic sometime. From what he remembered and what mum and dad always told him, Jinyoung had liked going to the forest a lot.

 

When Hyunjin and Mia went back, mum pulled him aside, saying she needed to give him something.

 

"I thought long about whether I should do it or not," she said, still looking a little conflicted. "I didn't know what you'd prefer. But now you can decide."

 

She walked over to the kitchen table installed in the wall and crouched to retrieve a little package. Hyunjin hadn't noticed his father creeping up to them.

 

As dad stood in the door frame, he ran a hand over his buzzed salt-and-pepper hair. "I thought you didn't want to give it to him."

 

"He's not a child anymore, dear," mum responded and handed Hyunjin the package. "He can decide what to do with it." A little confused he accepted it and looked for any label or writing, but there was none.

 

"What's this?" Hyunjin said, absentmindedly producing a knife from the nearest kitchen drawer.

 

"It's from Jisung." Mum cleared her throat and her eyes met dad's quickly. "He stopped by to leave this with me shortly after the news of your moving made its rounds in town."

 

"People sure talk a lot more than they care." Hyunjin didn't know what to think of it. He felt dread as well as … relief? Something he couldn't pinpoint. A feeling of delight? He had no reason to.

 

"You were so busy, and you were still upset, so I thought I'd wait for a better moment to give it to you, if ever."

 

His parents hadn't been to fond of his relationship with Jisung at first. It took some getting used to but finally they came to accept it and support them, too. Both of them had been upset to see their son heartbroken. He realised they wanted to look out for him, minimise the stress and make sure he didn't feel sad about what happened again, but mum had concluded correctly; he was an adult and he cared about the content of the package.

 

Even though it took him quite a while to build will and courage to open it.

 

The day he opened it was an overall stressful day. Felix had been over for coffee — they’d been neighbours for a while and they decided that their occasional chats could and should develop into a friendship. Later that day Felix went out looking for his cat; it had left through the window and not come back around the time of day it usually did the day before. Felix told Hyunjin that he didn’t worry much when a day passed, but his cat generally didn’t like being outside for too long. She always snuck into places or came back. On his search for her, he twisted his ankle and fell downstairs.

 

It wasn’t a high fall but still enough to be terribly painful, and luckily Hyunjin had still been standing in the window from their conversation. He took Felix to the hospital to have him checked up on and they decided to keep him there for the night.

 

Upon his return the package seemed to just stare at him. For some reason or the other its presence started getting under his skin. Days had passed but he couldn’t wait any longer.

 

Carefully tearing it open, Hyunjin frowned when he saw what was on the inside.

 

A thick black jumper, one of his old ones, long forgotten. Jisung must have kept it. And didn’t need it anymore. “Thought you’d want it back,” read a little note stuck to the inside of the box. And that was it.

 

Hyunjin stared at the sweater for a long time, twisting it in his hands. Jisung returned this when Hyunjin had found his apartment and was preparing to move out. He’d forgotten the jumper existed. But it made him wonder if that really was the only thing of his Jisung had, and why _he_ didn’t have anything to return.

 

Not that he’d want to go and seek him out.

 

 

 

 

**_April_ **

 

 

 

 

In April, Hyunjin had his very first blind date. He was nervous and fidgeting and almost nauseous the whole day — lots of time, but not _too_ much, had passed since he’d been in a relationship. But following Jinyoung’s advice, it was never too early to move on after having mourned a relationship.

 

Though, while he’d rather asked Yuqi alone for someone to be introduced to, it was a friend of Woojin’s who ended up being their pick. Hyunjin had never done something like this before. He trusted his friends to pick someone who thought the same way and was a good match — all he was trying to do the whole day, once again, was try and combat his shyness. He didn’t want to come off as too timid, he wanted to show that he was _there_ … then again he was always like this, and maybe there was no point in hiding it.

 

Hyunjin was unsure about the date and time his friends had picked. At first he was totally not on board for letting them do that — he wanted that Seo Changbin’s number, wanted to talk to him and get to know him a little before meeting up. But Woojin just kept insisting that he would love him, and Hyunjin did not at all trust that mischievous grin of his.

 

He dressed too nicely. He’d dolled up too much. Hyunjin was trying to ignore these thoughts as he navigated through the crowd, stealing a glance at his phone every now and then. All he had was a photo Woojin had sent him, of him and a shorter man, with glasses and a steady build. It was just a bust shot, not much telling, but Woojin told him to keep an eye open for red leather oxfords. _You’ll never see him wearing a different pair of shoes, and still they always look like he bought them yesterday. Sentimental value. Why, I don’t know._

 

At least he’d never seen anybody wearing red leather shoes before, so Hyunjin figured if he kept staring at people’s feet, as weird as it might seem, he’d find him.

 

The streets were always full and busy, but more people came out to see the fireworks and celebrate. It was a national competition of teams who prepared something like a choreography with fireworks, and supposedly it was very enchanting. He only feared this might be a bit too romantic for a first date, but the loud cheering and full cafés and bars convinced him of something else. _It’s going to be loud, terrible, and he won’t want a second date._

 

Seo Changbin was still a riddle to him. He knew next to nothing about him. Woojin said he was perfect for him, and hearing that scared him as much as it secretly excited him. In this bustling city where bodies pressed against each other, Hyunjin wanted to be ready for romance again. He just hoped Changbin felt the same way.

 

Tables upon tables stretched along the property of the café & bar they were meeting at. People laughed and enjoyed themselves, so many of them that spotting a certain person in the crowd seemed almost impossible. Hyunjin was feeling a little bit strange and out of place, but the feeling was washed away when someone called his name.

 

It came from below a streetlamp, where Changbin was seated at an elegant wooden table. Luckily this area was a little less full, so Hyunjin hurried and joined him. Staring at people’s shoes for much longer would have driven him insane. Changbin had a photo of him, too.

 

Things just went from there. Changbin was also introverted, but he had a soft way of speaking that made Hyunjin only focus on him or otherwise he wouldn’t hear. His words blended together in a song-like manner, but came across more like a story. He wondered if Changbin was on a podcast. Or if he had something to do with audiobooks. This alone was enough to hook Hyunjin — he could listen to Changbin talk forever.

 

He asked and answered easily to keep him talking. It was very endearing, and brightened his mood greatly. Knowing his friends, they were probably hiding badly behind a newspaper and observing the scene, muttering ‘success!’ to each other. Hyunjin didn’t want to be all too hopeful, but he would also think of this date as a success, especially because he had never done it before. He didn’t know which questions to ask and what to pay attention to, but Changbin was so pleasant that all of it just came naturally and without much thought at all.

 

Changbin was not like Jisung at all. Changbin moved more in a cat-like fashion, very elegantly, and the way he spoke so smoothly and calm accentuated his movements. He wore dark clothes while Jisung preferred colours; he preferred looking at Hyunjin during the fireworks while Jisung would have been lost in his own world observing them — there was no need to compare.

 

Hyunjin had enjoyed himself greatly. It had been fun to direct Changbin’s gaze off him and tell him to take a look at the colours every once in a while, see the competitors showing the city what they had to offer. He had a good feeling going home with a new contact in his phone and briefly addressed thoughts about a second date. Both wanted it. The evening had passed too quickly.

 

Almost a little embarrassing. How he found himself unable to think about anything else. Changbin’s face kept popping up in his mind and the colours, too, and maybe he should have followed Jinyoung’s advice earlier. No, he was right on time.

 

It felt good to be stepping out of his comfort zone.

 

Trying something else.

 

The city was no longer alien to him; it was his now.

 

✧

 

Changbin was a huge fan of music. First hesitant, then sure he should do it, Hyunjin put on _80s/90s City Pop For City Boys Like You._ A mix very dear to his heart, and Changbin seemed to love it too.

 

They met regularly. Changbin liked Hyunjn’s apartment a lot, called it cosy and sweet, while Hyunjin was greatly humbled by Changbin’s way bigger, more luxurious one. Even though Changbin had everything he wanted, he preferred to stay at Hyunjin’s place because it gave him a feeling of comfort.

 

When night arrived, the two listened to Tatsuro Yamashita proclaim his love to someone he’s been into for a little while, still a fresh love and unrequited so far, does his love love him too? It’s a bit magical when the sky starts showing them its freckles and ocean waves engulf them on that balcony in the middle of the city.

 

Changbin threw a grape into the air and Hyunjin caught it with his mouth before he could. All other attempts ended the same way. “This is bullying,” sulked Changbin, but he smiled widely. “Just because I’m short?”

 

“You’re perfect-sized,” flirted Hyunjin, but Changbin just rolled his eyes but laughed. Hyunjin reached out to skip the next song on the mix — Changbin stopped his hand and placed it on the railing.

 

“Wherefore?” Hyunjin joked, reaching out for the CD player again. It was a huge, black thing, a few years under its belt already, but age didn’t stop it from perfectly belting out the singers’ high notes. “It’s long and repetitive. I’ve been skipping since the beginning of time.”

 

“A playlist with even one song you’d skip is not a good playlist,” said Changbin, turning his back on the city as he leaned against the railing. “And that’s not the case here.”

 

It wasn’t like Hyunjin was properly listening anyway. They were talking about this and that and everything, so Hyunjin gave in and passively listened until _dance to the plastic beat another morning comes_ told him it came to an end.

 

Hyunjin and Changbin hadn’t ever really talked about what they did for a living. It wasn’t something that mattered to either of them. What counted was their shared time and their growing closer. Indeed, the two were very alike. They shared beliefs but most importantly, they were willing to place trust and hope in each other and their relationship. They wanted to take it slowly, but things progressed faster naturally and they didn’t even notice.

 

June 21st, Changbin invited Hyunjin to a concert. He hadn’t said anything about it until Hyunjin found a flyer and a note in an opened envelope with his name scribbled on it in blue highlighter.

 

_Care to come see me play? x_

 

_Bin_

 

It was an invitation to a classical piano concert, where he was listed as one of the special guests. Attached to the flyer was a VIP pass for backstage access. Hyunjin had known from the start that Changbin loved music, but he didn’t know it was more than a hobby. His life was built around playing, and Hyunjin thought that was charming. It probably wasn’t an easy job. And definitely more interesting than his.

 

Hyunjin decided to call in sick for today; one day he could allow, he needed to see this.

 

A song he didn’t know the title of was stuck in his head. He kept repeating the same words, that same passage on loop in his brain to himself as he conducted his car to the great hall Changbin would be playing in. He’d dressed up as fancy as possible and his eyes kept flicking to Changbin’s name on the setlist.

 

The tune never left his brain. Junko Ohashi guided him to and through the hall and reminded him that ‘There are things inside of me/ Makin' my heart light/ And if someone decides to like me/ Then I better love them right’.

 

So many people had come see. It was a very modern hall, a great auditorium, and a glass dome for a roof that let in the night light. Hyunjin had been pressed between bodies, following along one of the only two paths to the seats below. Markings and carvings stretched along the white wood of the simple staircases, and the people naturally aligned into rows of five people so it wasn’t too crowded. The audience was primarily on the older side, but Hyunjin saw plenty youthful faces among the bodies. There was a long waiting time in a marble tiled area separating the seats with velvety cloth on silver stands.

 

The seats were enough for hundreds of people, but even with his priority pass Hyunjin felt a little trapped by the bodies of other VIPs. Another first. If only time would pass quicklier so they would finally be seated.

 

It took another twenty minutes — _internal problems,_ they said, _highly unprofessional_ _venue,_ someone else did — for them to be guided to their seats. Hyunjin got second row, which was, according to Changbin, deliberately chosen for him because he always felt uncomfortable in the very front. Second row was still too close, but he would get to see Changbin play up close.

 

Hyunjin started feeling a little hot, and no doubt he wasn’t the only one who did. “Terrible, terrible,” a lady next to him exclaimed. “This venue. I’ve seen better! Paul Bialecki and Jung Yoonoh deserve to play in a better place. No?” She turned to Hyunjin, and Hyunjin agreed with her hastily. He didn’t know who either of the two was. He’d just come to see his boyfriend play for the very first time.

 

“You know, it’s very elegant how Yoonoh carries the melody,” she proceeded, smoothening the wrinkles in her satin dress. Hyunjin turned a little more so he could have a look at her, and she was one of the younger people he had spotted earlier. Her skin was tan and her hair a deep shade of glimmering black. “He always said he had the worst posture until a week before his first big concert. I almost can’t believe that, but then again, I would probably trust this man with my life.”

 

Hyunjin nodded along, but she got suspicious of him. She had a beauty mark below the outer corner of her right eye, just above her cheekbones. “You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?” But it was more of a laughing remark.

 

He explained he’d been invited by Seo Changbin and she said, “No way!” He was too shy to try and convince her but that was what made her believe him. She smiled. “You’re very charming. It’s adorable.”

 

“Don’t get any wrong ideas, though, I’m taken,” she added with laughter, running a hand through her hair. “You just feel like the perfect little brother. I’m Hyuna.”

 

The two talked until the concert started with Paul Bialecki. He played fairly cheerful pieces; as a contrast, Jung Yoonoh played terribly depressing pieces, and Hyuna had been right when she said he carried the weightless melodies so easily. His fingers danced over the keys and his eyes were longer closed than not. Something about it was mesmerising to watch, and while he didn’t know as much as Hyuna, it didn’t take professional-level knowledge to know that this was a master at work.

 

It was Changbin’s turn after an orchestra break. The orchestra had played something that could be described as ominous; Hyunjin had the names of the pieces on the flyer handed to him, but he was too occupied trying to follow the performances and Hyuna’s ‘by-the-ways’ at the same time.

 

After a short break after that, the curtains closing for a few minutes and the first round of applause roaring, Changbin played on one of the four grand pianos that had been arranged on stage in the meantime. His was white, the rest was black.

 

He had to be a little theatrical about removing the cover and getting to work. Hyunjin felt warm listening to him begin the first piece. It was melancholic, alternating between slow and fast and when you thought the climax was being hinted at then it fell flat again, so quiet it was barely audible, slowly building up. Only now Hyunjin read the programme, and Changbin was playing the story of a composer who felt trapped in his skin though it was his only home.

 

“You’re pink in the face,” Hyuna pointed out and eyed Hyunjin, then traced his look to Changbin. “Oh.” Pause. “That’s one for the gossip magazines.”

 

Hyunjin’s eyes flickered back to her, sudden confusion, but she couldn’t hold her serious expression for long. “You know I’m joking. I see that’s how you got the VIP pass. Are you two a thing?”

 

After a moment of thinking, Hyunjin said, “I suppose so. Yes.”

 

_Honey, it's you, lover!_

 

_I love talking to you, but is your heart_

 

_Being aware of that?_

 

_Let's do our best to be honest to each other_

 

_And to open our hearts to one another_

 

_Tell me, do you love me?_

 

He met Changbin backstage. The concert had gone for way longer still, Changbin playing together with Jung Yoonoh, Paul Bialecki and another pianist he’d forgotten the name of. It had all been very new, very beautiful, and Hyunjin was giddy when he met Changbin in the bustling backstage area.

 

“What did you think?” said Changbin, pushing his glasses up. He welcomed Hyunjin into his backstage room and trapped him in a hug. Hyunjin liked when Changbin looked up to him.

 

“You should’ve definitely told me earlier,” he responded, placing a kiss on Changbin’s cheek. “It was the best thing I’ve ever seen and heard.”

 

“You’re too nice to me.”

 

“It’s the truth,” Hyunjin insisted. Changbin got ready to leave, a little bit tired, and Hyunjin slept at his place for tonight, not before having a few too many shots of soju together. It felt so good to be with Changbin.

 

 _He’s not him,_ Hyunjin told himself, drunk in Changbin’s arms.

 

 

 

 

**_July, then_ **

 

 

 

 

On a July day, Jisung asked, “You got your ticket?”, shrugging off Hyunjin’s hand on his shoulders.

 

“Yeah. I’m a bit nervous.” Hyunjin held onto his bag with snacks. There was a funny irony in their behaviour: Jisung, who was not too fond of the city, seemed to know how to navigate public transport as though he was reading instructions off a booklet, and Hyunjin, who dreamed of nothing else but to find himself in the city when he got lost, was scared of the trains. He feared if he got on the wrong one, he’d be stuck someplace he’d never been to. He was slightly less nervous knowing that the greatly extroverted introvert Jisung didn’t mind speaking to people if they knew how to get him back home to his bed.

 

Jisung’s flip-flops were muddy and walked completely flat. His shorts rode up a little to reveal more of his milky thighs, left untouched by the sun. His tank top showed off the little bit of toning he had. Hyunjin liked his hair the most though. It kind of did what it wanted no matter how much Jisung attempted to tame it and only when he buzzed it all off last year it started growing kindly.

 

The train was cramped. As they were. Hyunjin was okay with holding onto Jisung’s legs, flip-flops atop. Jisung liked to turn in his seat and lean against the wall, taking off his shoes and leaving Hyunjin to hug his legs like this. Like this, he was able to use his lap as a platform to press his sketchbook onto, so that he could draw the faces he spotted.

 

Trains always showed them types of people they didn’t know existed. While Jisung was fairly busy with practising his skill, wandering far away in thought, so far that he just started doodling Hyunjin from memory while trying to ignore the fact that he was feeling a little trapped, Hyunjin stared straight ahead through the opposite window. The landscape rushing past them was very diverse. One moment he’d see a vast lake, the other greens stretched ahead of them, and then they were clattering past fields of yellow and grains and hard work.

 

It was utmost delightful to watch. All of this was around them, so easily accessible, proudly begging to be seen. Hyunjin almost felt bad for only getting to see it so briefly. He was sure if he asked Jisung if they could explore and take a look then Jisung wouldn’t think twice, let alone think about saying no at all.

 

Hyunjin made up a huge part of Jisung’s impulse control. Often Jisung dropped whatever he was doing to pursue an abstract thought his mind had produced at the most random of times.

 

“Things are shaping up to be pretty odd,” murmured Jisung in song as he doodled, holding the pen as if it was a fine needle his eyes would lose if he failed to pay attention. It were moments like these where Jisung’s concentration showed uncharacteristic perseverance.

 

Hyunjin caught a lady staring at him weirdly. He had to admit it must be a fairly strange sight to see a young man, a few months into the Western eighteen, hugging his friend’s naked legs while his eyes unfocused in thought. Seeing this, he blinked twice, thrice to return to reality and lean a little into Jisung to see what he was drawing.

 

They got off the nearest station and three trains were waiting for passengers to fill them. Quickly pondering which one to take, Jisung didn’t hesitate to make things more complicated and grabbed Hyunjin’s hand, running to the stairs.

 

The two pushed through the bodies. Jisung parted the path in front of them and Hyunjin followed him as though he was his shadow. Their flip-flops were making this terribly difficult. Loud, busy, everyone trying to get somewhere or maybe nowhere at all. Sounds of trains clattering past without a stop. Whistling and chattering and pigeons being shooed away. It was a clear July afternoon, not a cloud in sight.

 

Jisung rushed downstairs and tugged at Hyunjin’s hand to keep him following through the underground station before sprinting upstairs for the next platform. He’d spotted the train he wanted to take from the other platform, and its doors were already closing to resume the drive, but Jisung tugged Hyunjin to his feet when he tripped and slammed against the door, pressing the button to have it opened. The door flew open and the two stumbled inside, pushing their way through angered faces.

 

“Never,” panted Hyunjin, still holding tightly onto Jisung’s hand, “do that again. Ever.”

 

Jisung, panting himself, just had to grin. “I’m gonna take this as a request to do it again.”

 

Somewhere along the line they got off in the middle of nowhere. A short walk lead them down to a beaten up road, mainly gravel, not much tar, and each and every stone crackled beneath their feet. They were surrounded by all shades of green left and right, and the more they walked the closer they got to the lake they had passed earlier. Neither of them knew exactly where they were.

 

“Swimming?” asked Jisung as they walked past the lake. It was within reasonable distance, and it wasn’t like Jisung had a concept of distance or time at all.

 

“Why not.” Hyunjin missed the feeling of jumping into unknown waters and letting it engulf him in darkness as he submerged. Water absorbs all your worries and replaces them with your need to just not drown.

 

They pulled their shirts over their heads and weren’t at all looking if anybody saw them. Just when they went to pull off their boxers they decided not to, and jumped straight into the water. Chaotic splashing ensued and Jisung laughed until water came out of his nose.

 

When they calmed down, the two silently floated, letting the stillness of the water keep them in place, only drawn to each other. Their heads bumped together and they didn’t move away. Quite the paradox feeling, the icy cold of summer waters caressing your skin while the warmth of sun and your best friend by your side heated your being from the very inside.

 

Jisung started thrashing about and coughed violently. Hyunjin opened his eyes to see Jisung rubbing his face and spitting out splashes of water bit by bit. Shocked for a second, Jisung allowed it to die down when he broke out into laughter and said, “I think I fell asleep.”

 

As odd as it sounded it certainly seemed to be true, and Hyunjin couldn’t stop staring with one corner of his mouth pulled up in a grin. “One of these days you’re gonna get yourself killed.”

 

“So?” said Jisung and trapped Hyunjin in a hug. “At least you have my story to tell.”

 

Arms wrapped around Hyunjin’s neck, Jisung dived down into a kiss, wet and sloppy, and kind of gross thinking about how he was spitting out dirty lake water moments ago, but Hyunjin wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

 

“Have you ever been to the Netherlands?” asked Hyunjin as they walked down the dirty trail, countless of feet having stomped down the seemingly abandoned strip of nature.

 

“You know I’ve never been out of the area, let alone even to Europe.”

 

“I’ve been to the Netherlands.”

 

“I know. That was a boring summer for you.” Jisung grinned, intertwining their fingers. They were walking shirtless and barefoot, but they’d cared enough to put back on their shorts, using their shirts as towels around their necks and flip-flops hooked around index and middle finger. “Every moment you spend without me is a boring moment.”

 

“Hm, not true.” Hyunjin threw his head back, rolling his eyes as though he was thinking hard. Jisung eyed him this entire time. “I think I should have put on sunscreen.”

 

“Tell me where it burns later.”

 

Hyunjin, foreseeing his fate, wheezed and said, _“Hell_ no.” Then, “You know, this kind of reminds me of the Netherlands.”

 

“I figured. Looks like that image I have in mind when you mention it.”

 

“There was water everywhere where I went to, and all the people knew each other, and the stores were a little expensive because they had everything they really needed right there. And every now and then you’d spot a blue and white flag with red hearts on it hanging from the windows or on a special post in the gardens. It’s very peaceful,” Hyunjin recalled. Jisung threw his flip-flops on the ground and slipped into them, making his hand free for a large stick he wanted to tear out of the bushes. Hyunjin waited for him until he had and used it as a walking stick he didn’t need.

 

“I feel like Shinee’s _View,_ if you know what I’m saying,” added Jisung. “I’m the view. Just kidding. But it’s finally summer.” He looked at Hyunjin again. “And I wouldn’t want to spend it with anybody else.”

 

“So flattered,” joked Hyunjin, but it wasn’t that much of a joke at all. He felt the fluttering in his chest and while he didn’t believe in butterflies as a symbol for love, they sure got on his nerves sometimes when he was with Jisung.

 

“You’re my best friend.” Jisung pointed out the obvious, jumping over a collection of rocks placed in their way. “Never forget that, okay?”

 

Hyunjin also put on his flip-flops and interlaced his fingers behind his head, elbows pointing out as he walked. He couldn’t help but grin.“Why so emotional all of a sudden?”

 

“Sun stroke.” Jisung  grimaced and poked out his tongue at Hyunjin.

 

 

What felt like hours of walking later and the two stumbled upon a large field that looked like it used to be a farm. There was a small barn in the middle of it, looking a little shabby but not yet ready to fall apart.

 

They looked over their shoulders countless of times before finally heaving the heavy door out of its hinge and and opening it just enough to be able to slip through and let some more sunlight into the barn. Jisung threw his fist up in triumph when they spotted hay bales still standing in the middle of the barn. They hadn’t moved everything with them when they left. Or maybe they hadn’t left at all, and it was really just a very old farm, and Hyunjin and Jisung were trespassing. Either way they didn’t care a lot, to be very honest.

 

It took them a second to spot a ladder leading up to a little room in the top ‘floor’, they supposed you could call it, and went checking through the windows if anybody was at the other side. _Clear._

 

They climbed the ladder up to the little hidden space filled with hay. The hay scratched their ankles and slipped into their clothes, a little itchy, but laying on a pile of hay was not so bad at all. They wondered if someone was going to enter and shoo them away. They wondered if this barn still belonged to anybody, or if time had already stripped off its purpose.

 

“This itches so much,” said Hyunjin, scratching his legs and arms. “Can you be allergic to hay?”

 

“I don’t know these kinds of things,” said Jisung. He’d leaned back into the hay, never minding its rough texture, legs atop each other and eyes kept shut. Jisung’s eyelashes lay neatly upon his cheek; the spacing between them was wide and made them stand out more, as though Hyunjin could count them. “Come lay down.”

 

“I have a question.” Hyunjin had taken the spot next to Jisung. Their shoulders were pressed against each other. There was a lot more place on the hay-covered floor, but Hyunjin liked the contact.

 

“Is it an important question if you have to announce that you do?” Jisung was chewing on a singular straw of hay he’d slipped between his lips. He looked like a version of Tom Sawyer Hyunjin liked a lot more. He didn’t open his eyes.

 

Hyunjin propped himself up on his elbow. “What are your plans from now?”

 

Jisung cared to open one eye. “You mean now that I’m of age?”

 

“Yeah.” Pause. “I’ve been of age for a while now but I wanted to wait until you turned eighteen too to ask. I don’t really know what to do.”

 

Jisung turned on his side and placed his face on his angled arm. “No plans. Other than staying in town maybe. And figure out every square centimeter of the area.”

 

“You’ve been doing that all your life.”

 

“What’s the point in living in a town you don’t know inside out by heart? It’s one thing to live; it’s a whole other thing to know what the place you live in can give you. I wouldn’t ever want to leave that.”

 

Hyunjin said nothing. He understood where he was coming from but at the same time, maybe there was something equally as charming about finding new places and spots to go down to in the summer. Or curl up in when the snow piled up outside. Hideouts discovered by chance were spiritually more comforting than any word of consolation spoken. This was proof. This was magical.

 

“And you don’t care about 'getting lost' -- you just do and live with it.”

 

Jisung hummed in agreement. “It’s a waste of my time.”

 

Silence. Jisung, without any doubt whatsoever, was the most wonderful person Hyunjin knew. Brave, selfless and simply living the moment. He didn’t yearn for anything but a carefree life. Things didn’t always go well at home for him, and sometimes he was not okay, but not ever did he let it dim his perspective of life. No one could take the imaginary glasses he was wearing off. Not even Hyunjin could, to have a look himself.

 

Jisung closed his eyes again. “Don’t worry. I know you like the city. And I think when you have the chance to, you should go.” His breath evened out and he looked peaceful, a little red in the face of how hot it was in the barn.

 

“You like the small town life, though.” Hyunjin flipped on his back and stared at the high ceiling.

 

Jisung hummed. “I _love_ the small town life. And you.”

 

What he said fell on deaf ears first, then Hyunjin snapped his eyes open. His heart beat a little faster. He turned his head carefully, half expecting a playful grin showing that he was joking, but Jisung’s eyes were still firmly closed. His heart sped up at the peaceful sight and Hyunjin knew that maybe, now, he had a problem of the best kind.

 

“Jisung?” He whispered when a considerable amount of time passed.

 

His best friend hummed in response.

 

“Did you mean what you said?”

 

“I mean every word I say,” Jisung responded, blinking slowly now. “There’s no point in lying when nobody cares anyway.”

 

“I care. Did you mean it?”

 

“Like I said.”  Jisung closed his eyes again. Moments passed in which Hyunjin was a little breathless, unsure of what to think, unsure of what to feel. Certainly he’d felt a shift in his head, somewhere in his perception. Jisung looked so different to him now and it happened in a matter of seconds.

 

Then Jisung opened one eye experimentally and his lips curled into a grin. “So … what do _you_ say?”

 

“About what?” Hyunjin’s face flushed red but he knew exactly what Jisung was alluding to.

 

“I’d like for us to not only be best friends but also boyfriends.” Jisung spoke without a hint of nervosity. His chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm and Hyunjin found himself following those motions precisely.

 

“I say yes to that.” He was laughing a little, probably the shyness and the embarrassment speaking, but Jisung didn’t mind at all. He just lifted himself up a little to remove his arm from below his head and then cup Hyunjin’s face with his now both free hands.

 

“No further objections … ?”

 

“No, your honor.” Jisung scrunched his nose up, cringing a little at the typically-Hyunjin-response, then pulled his face down and locked their lips. Hyunjin’s hand wandered down to his slim waist and their surroundings melted away.

 

They’d done this many times before but only because they didn’t have anybody else and sometimes platonic kisses felt better than things that bore consequences. It didn’t have to be like that anymore and it wasn’t going to be, now.

 

It was solely about the two boys in this barn. Hearts lead the way but even those could get lost too.

 

 

 

 

**_Hello again_ **

 

 

 

 

In July, Hyunjin went home again, this time with the intention of staying longer. He wanted to camp out with Jinyoung and Mia for a little while. Jinyoung had been very happy to hear of Changbin — when Jinyoung asked if they were seriously looking for a longterm partner or if this was just meant to be fun, Hyunjin didn’t really know how to answer. They were both taking this seriously, but they still hadn’t reached a point where it was … solid. Something that refused to give away quickly. He didn’t know how easily it could crumble. But so far so good — nothing to worry about.

 

He’d stood before the photograph of him and Jinyoung at the end of the corridor countless times before, thinking about removing the picture of himself and Jisung that he’d hidden behind. It was absurd. Thinking back to it, he didn’t know why he had done that to begin with. What the purpose was. Still wounded? Disarrayed thoughts?

 

Obviously he didn’t take it off. He’d always found a stupid excuse to keep it up, even though he was with Changbin. _It isn’t like anybody can see it … It isn’t like Jisung didn’t help shape me into who I am … It isn’t like I still care …_ Hyunjin was having suspicions he didn’t know how to feel about.

 

Out in the grass, Hyunjin lazily stared at the sky. The clear hue of blue, not a single cloud in sight; truly it was a July day to behold, a perfect summer day. His eyes were getting heavier and Jinyoung was already asleep. One of them had to stay awake to watch Mia, who was mindlessly romping around the flowers that had grown. Her blue and white striped dress had grass stains, and the ribbon in her hair was getting loose.

 

Soon she towered over her dad, but when she realised he wasn’t waking up anytime soon, she turned her attention to Hyunjin. She sat on his chest, making him groan in surprise (“I just rested my eyes for a little”) and held out a bouquet of flowers she had picked herself. “Can you keep this safe for me? For momma?”

 

“Sure thing I can,” said Hyunjin and placed the bouquet on his chest when Mia climbed off of him and ran into the forest.

 

Resting his eyes in the summer sun when no wind was licking at his face, no sound was heard, not even Mia, for she had run off too far into the forest, Hyunjin fell asleep.

 

Crying woke him. Jinyoung took a bit longer. His sight was hazy and at first he didn’t register any voices. Mia dropped onto him and sobbed into his chest, repeated wailing disturbing him until he’d finally come back to earth.

 

A soft voice sounded, familiar. Hyunjin looked up, squinting because the sun was so blinding, creating a white pool behind the owner of the voice. His hands naturally found the back of Mia’s head, and he hugged her closer, an absent attempt of comfort.

 

“We’ve been trying to comfort her but she’s not listening to a bunch of strangers,” said Jisung, and Hyunjin’s throat went dry.

 

Jisung kneeled down, dropping to Hyunjin’s eye-level. “But I guess you’re no stranger to me. Hello again.”

 

Hyunjin must have been staring. Jisung held his gaze for a little, then cleared his throat and turned to Jinyoung, who was mumbling groggy things to himself, still half lost in his dream. “She got lost in the forest and had her leg stuck between two fallen trunks. Only a few scratches, she’ll be fine. The experience just scared her.”

 

Jinyoung mumbled words of thanks, removing his daughter off Hyunjin and producing a packet of tissues from the butt pocket of his pants. A few people were gathered by the parking spot, some faces of which Hyunjin recognised but wasn’t friends with, waiting for Jisung.

 

The adventures they used to have together in the forest, Jisung now probably had with others. It was fine, he knew it was, but in an odd way it also hurt him like a branch crushed beneath a red leather shoe.

 

Hyunjin didn’t say a word. It was strange, seeing Jisung before him after so many months had passed. If he said he hadn’t imagined the scenario in his head over and over again before his inner eye when he couldn’t sleep at night, then Hyunjin would have lied. It was always different, every time a little more comforting than the other, another more romantic than the other, and all of them Hyunjin dismissed immediately.

 

The real deal, he figured, was a lot worse than his idealistic visions. He was no hero for himself. Nor was he the reincarnation of a figure from his past. Moving had not made everything better. It had made a young man turn his back on what he knew.

 

Eventually Jisung left without Hyunjin having said anything to him. What picture had that painted? Did Jisung think he was terrified, or confused, or offended, or anything else in the book? So lost in thought, he hadn’t even made sure he wasn’t throwing a venomous glare. Not that he would have, even if he wasn’t paying attention. Secretly Hyunjin was more worried that he had looked absolutely devastated.

 

Mia went back to running around fairly quickly. Hyunjin was seated on the porch, trying to focus on his latest read. It threw him in and out and then for a loop once more, after all paintings by the ocean didn’t come to life on a normal day, and neither did a CD long forgotten find sudden importance again. No, that wasn’t all too true — Jinyoung’s present had been left to collect dust in the glove compartment of his car until Hyunjin decided that his brother could be a part of his life again.

 

 _Clack, clack, clack, clack, clack._ “Mia, will you sit down and catch your breath for a second?” Hyunjin closed his book, dog ear in the page. He wasn’t going to get any more reading done, that was for sure. Mia’s shoes had a teeny-tiny heel, just a little one, but it was enough to drive him insane. Constant clacking on the wood while she ran around waiting for her grandpa and grandma to come outside and drink some tea.

 

“Dun wanna,” she said, halting in front of him. Hyunjin placed his book on his lap and Mia stepped closer, grabbing his knees. “Gramps an’ gran are coming out for tea.”

 

“Are your knees doing better now?”

 

“The uncle gave me somefink,” she pushed her sunhat up and reached into the front pocket of her dress. Minseo had went on and on about how this was the only dress with pockets she had found for Mia, and Mia kept getting it stained nastily.

 

She produced a set of plasters, yellow, with small tiger heads on them. It was a very Jisung thing that Hyunjin still remembered clearly; he always had plasters on him, something his mum had made a habit. He climbed and fell and ran and jumped and always found random scratches and bruises on his body he didn’t pay much mind, but for the things that stung temporarily, he’d always had a cream and plasters. But the boring ones he hated. He wanted those with prints. And today, those were tigers.

 

Hyunjin hesitated, but then he reached out to take them from her. She stumbled back, leaning against the front of the porch. “Uh-uh. The uncle gave them to _me._ ”

 

“Fine. Can I please see what the uncle gave to _you?_ ”

 

Mia took her hat off and scratched her head, then squatted as she put it back on. The set of plasters consisted of three stuck together, and with her tongue peeking out from the corner of her mouth she started carefully ripping one of. “Uncle need one?”

 

Hyunjin shook his head. “Uncle doesn’t need one. I just want to see.” But Mia was already laughing and jumped him, quickly climbing up into his lap and patting her chubby hand into his face.

 

“Like this you’re gonna wind up making me need an eye-patch,” huffed Hyunjin, adjusting his niece’s knees. They were a bit bony and hurt when she moved too hastily on his thighs.

 

“You’ll be a pirate, and you’ll be cooler than dad,” giggled Mia and removed the wrapping, then stuck the plaster across Hyunjin’s cheek. She roared and laughed, both hands framing her face, mimicking claws.

 

Hyunjin laughed, too, but his chest burned a little.

 

Mia lost interest in him when his dad’s weakening frame appeared in the door. Hyunjin instantly jumped up to take the table from him, and Mia begged mum to let her carry the tea pot. But it was too hot!

 

Realising she was fighting a battle she couldn’t win, she decided to bother dad a little, and hugged his leg for him to drag her with him. She giggled uncontrollably even though dad was having a bit of a hard time moving forward. Instead of scolding her and telling her to let go, dad simply patted her head and did his best.

 

At night Hyunjin removed the plaster and tossed it in the dust bin. A hairband pushed up his raven hair and he was dressed in the black jumper he’d brought. He produced his mobile phone from his joggers and lay back onto the bed as he started texting Changbin. He wanted to invite him to come meet his parents, maybe, sometime, if he liked to, if he wasn’t too busy, if he cared to drive a few hours.

 

After all, it might have been only three months, but it wasn’t about progress or being too fast. Where he was from was a huge part of who Hyunjin was, and maybe Changbin wanted to see that — his parents weren’t all too serious about this type of thing, and they’d only say hi and cook too much food and be delightfully embarrassing. It’d be cool for him to come see. If he wanted to of course. He specified.

 

Changbin said of course. Not even a minute had passed for him to get his answer. The message was quickly followed by a selfie; Changbin was sitting in a study, the keys of a piano in front of him peeking into the frame, the background holding someone hunched over their own piano. ‘Rehearsing’, he captioned it. ‘If your parents come see me in the city sometime I’ll prepare something to play.’

 

It was all well and good and heart fluttering too. Then his ringtone sounded and Changbin made a call without appointment, which made Hyunjin smile, and night time went on but not without Hyunjin missing many hours of sleep.

 

Waking naturally, no disturbance, no sounds, Hyunjin stayed put in bed for a long time, mentally revisiting the happenings of the day before. He buried his face in his pillow; how could he have just stared? What was he thinking? It really hadn’t sunk in that Jisung had crossed his path again after roughly nine months of radio silence. Radio silence that had meant to be permanent, but realistically, it couldn’t have been.

 

They were from the same place. From the same town. Had the same friends, loved the same places. If they avoided these things to stay out of each other’s paths they would restrict themselves from the things they loved — which wasn’t fair to either of them. He’d often wondered how Jisung fared. Imagined what he’d say if he ever had to talk to him again. When the moment came, he was just frozen.

 

And he pitied himself a little.

 

If there was such a thing as dreading the arrival of a month, then Hyunjin certainly feared what September would bring.

 

 

 

 

**_September_ **

 

 

 

 

In September, Hyunjin met up with Changbin almost every single day. Casual hanging out, more cuddling up to each other, more exchanging of body warmth. Sometimes Changbin played in his friends’ bars and Hyunjin would either get the seat beside him or the closest table.

 

“You’ve been sticking to me for a while now,” mused Changbin before he pressed a kiss to Hyunjin’s lips. It was meant to be brief but Hyunjin captured his lips again and dragged out the moment in the most pleasant way you could imagine. “Anything happen?”

 

“Nothing, of course,” responded Hyunjin, straddling him and interlocking his fingers behind Changbin’s neck. “I just like you that much.”

 

“And I love you that much.” Changbin smiled and warmth pooled in Hyunjin’s stomach. It wasn’t something they’d ever really told each other before, still it was comforting to hear.

 

Hyunjin wanted to return those words, they lay at the tip of his tongue, ready to come out crisp and clear and most importantly, sincere, a reflection of Changbin’s eyes when he’d done his part on the two way street.

 

Hyunjin didn’t say it. But he thought it.

 

A kiss sufficed. What he liked about them that they weren’t quick to jump to conclusions about each other and they worked well that way. But perhaps that was just an excuse.

 

✧

 

He never held hands with Changbin when they walked, just a bit of cloth from Changbin’s jacket as if to secure he wouldn’t get lost in the crowd. If that happened, Hyunjin would just look for red shoes that people liked to cock their eyebrows at.

 

Hyunjin had asked Changbin about that ‘sentimental value’ Woojin had told him about. Over a few drinks Changbin had told him that they’d been his dad’s favourite pair and while he had never found the shoes very pretty, they’d grown on him after his dad’s passing. “I started feeling bad about always telling him to stop wearing them,” Changbin had said, voice fading a little, putting down the glass. He propped his cheek up on his fist. They were seated in his apartment, by the panorama window that replaced a whole wall and showed them the city, on the floor, just talking. The hands of the clock were barely moving at all.

 

“I always told him, you know, ‘Dad, why do you wear them, they’re terrible’, but he’d insist he wear them. I didn’t think much about it, he was my dad, and maybe I was hurting his feelings.” Changbin straightened his back. His eyes were glossy; Changbin cleared his throat and looked out of the window. Changbin was scared of heights but only if there wasn't anything such as the glass to protect him from them. “When he passed and those were among the only things of any value that he’d left behind, I realised I was wrong. I don’t know, this feels kind of stupid.”

 

“Why? These are your feelings,” Hyunjin reminded him, inclining his head a little to the right and following Changbin with his torso, so that he could see his face better. “You might think it’s absurd but if it hurt you then it did.”

 

Changbin rubbed the back of his head in thought. He was dressed in his boxers and a huge black tee, looking small when leaning against the glass. Then he nodded. “I guess that’s why I wear them all the time. And make sure they stay clean and nice. I feel like I shouldn’t because of that, so they won’t get all too worn-out — you know, he was always taking great care of them — but at the same time it’s just a pair of shoes.”

 

“Not just a pair of shoes if they mean something to you. Even if all you have left of them is just shreds and bits and pieces, it just means they were loved. It’s a matter of perspective; you can make all of them positive.”

 

“You know, I like your way of comforting people,” chuckled Changbin, eyes getting smaller in his feline fashion, flirtatious. “You just have that little something with words.”

 

Hyunjin smiled, pulling his knees to his chin. His glass was empty and he wanted no more of the liquor, he knew it was getting to his brain if he started spewing words confidently, rather than weighing them before trying them out. “I just say what’s on your mind anyway. I know _you_ know that it’s okay.”

 

“In that case I wish I knew how to comfort you,” said Changbin, twirling the remains of his whisky in the glass. “I never know what you’re thinking. You always seem to be somewhere else.”

 

“Somewhere where? What’s your guess?” Hyunjin brushed strands of hair out of his eyes. His and Changbin’s feet were touching and the city lights kept moving and switching and going on and off but from up here, you couldn’t hear the life that was down there. You could only see it.

 

Changbin took a swig of his whisky. Before it was empty, he already poured himself another glass. “Hm, you’re a dreamer, that’s for sure.” Changbin’s frown disappeared and instead, he beamed a sudden smile at him. “I don’t know what you dream about though.”

 

“Instead of saying you don’t know or you never know, how about asking me?” Hyunjin suggested, rising to his feet and placing his empty glass on the table.

 

“I have a feeling you wouldn’t tell me all of it.” Changbin looked back out of the window, voice airy, not bitter. “It’s kind of … refreshing, you know. That you’re being so mysterious.”

 

“I’m not mysterious at all.” Hyunjin headed for the door to Changbin’s bedroom. “You just have to ask me.” Hyunjin wouldn't tell most of the people hew knew about himself in this manner. Jinyoung, for instance, he'd pushed away when he approached him with the whole Jisung ordeal. But Changbin was different. Changbin was who made his chest flutter and his intoxicated heart race.

 

He was tired, his eyes were taking more time to open after falling shut, and all he wanted was to sleep. The alcohol in his system didn’t help his case. Hyunjin was a sleepy drinker, and sometimes he just wanted to curl up and not care even if he snored. Changbin was something Yuqi dubbed an ‘angsty drinker’, but Hyunjin found it just made him ponder.

 

“So then, how would I be able to comfort you if need be?” asked Changbin. These past months had been fairly uneventful when it came to personal life. Hyunjin didn’t speak to Changbin about Jisung at all — it wasn’t a thing you did, talking about exes, especially not so early on in a relationship. That was all that caused a little turmoil in his life, but he didn’t have to mention that.

 

Hyunjin had been feeling suffocated though. He tried to hide it and did so well. At night he asked himself if whatever Jisung was doing, did he think about him too? Was Hyunjin, too, wreaking havoc in his life? Did he also think he wasn’t really over him even though by now he should be? And what was it that kept him so attached?

 

Birthdays had always meant a lot to Hyunjin and Jisung. Their parents would give them money and they’d spend it on snacks and a day train ticket each for the only train station in town, and they’d take the first train that got there and ate their snacks and observed people. And Jisung would get his sketchbook and draw the faces that he saw and scribble names next to them but by the time they’d driven far out enough to care about getting off, Jisung had already forgotten about people and started sketching Hyunjin instead, who stared out of the window the entire silent drive and found the railway terribly interesting.

 

They’d land in a corner somewhere they’d never been to and go check the plan to see how far away from home they were. Jisung would suggest they take the next train to nowhere but Hyunjin would get a bit uneasy, a little scared, asking to take the train to a city they knew instead and get off somewhere on the way. And when it was late at night and no longer Jisung’s birthday, already late enough to be scolded greatly, they’d jump on the next express train that’d get as close to their town as possible and run home the rest of the way. He still remembered all of that. How could he possibly forget?

 

It was one of the habitual adventures he’d lived that almost didn’t feel real anymore. A habit on normal days, a tradition of running away for two days under the night sky on Jisung's birthday. It had been so special to him that the thought of the approaching day simply burned hot.

 

On the days leading up to his own birthday, March 20th, had Jisung, too, laid awake at night wondering how he was going to survive the day?

 

“Be with me on the 14th. That's all I ask of you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**_October_ **

 

 

 

In October, Hyunjin succumbed to a late night thought. He was having a few troubles at work and Changbin was also preparing hard for another concert, for which he drove out to the south. It was just Hyunjin for a few days, and especially when you’re alone, reckless thoughts can get the best of you.

 

September had been a little hard but he had also found himself falling harder for Changbin. Curiously, Changbin didn’t ask what it was that bothered and saddened Hyunjin so much, but at the same time he also didn’t try to conceal his worry. It was as though his face only was trying to say: _I’m not going to force you to talk about things you don’t want to talk about, but I’ll be here for you._

 

Something about that was very endearing. He was finding himself picking up on the little things Changbin did for him. He started seeing the little gestures of affection and reciprocated. It was a lot of fun, too, figuring each other out like this. Exploring each other’s minds. Occupied with this and his feelings for Changbin only, he found September passed quicklier than he’d thought. At the same time he was constantly at war with himself about what feelings he had for whom.

 

He didn’t think he was still in love with Jisung. Too much time had passed for that. It was a weird mixture of emotions that pooled in his chest and the ones  he tried to highlight to keep himself happy were those he had for Changbin. They were undeniable. Which relieved him.

 

And he had encountered Jisung again, which hadn't haunted him for as long as he thought it would, yet still stung a little. He was getting there.

 

Obviously it couldn’t be that simple.

 

He was Hwang Hyunjin, who had grown up with the one and only _Han Jisung,_ so obviously he had to do something reckless.

 

 _Maybe revisiting the place where it happened will help sort out my feelings,_ thought Hyunjin. He didn’t know what he was looking for or what he was chasing. He didn’t know which conclusion he wanted to come to. All he wanted was to do _something_ and this something was drive back to town, to the forest, to the well.

 

He’d been to town with Changbin before. Mum and dad liked him a lot and Jinyoung, too, clicked with him. It was only now that Hyunjin noticed how much of an introvert Changbin actually was. He’d only ever seen him around himself and their shared friends that Changbin was already comfortable with, and on stage he radiated such grace and confidence too. When meeting Hyunjin’s family, Changbin had almost panicked a little, but Hyunjin was able to relate greatly. If Changbin’s mother wasn’t the way she was, and Hyunjin got to meet her and Changbin’s sister, then he would without any doubt react in the very same way.

 

Unlike Hyunjin, Changbin was not a self-appointed _city boy._ When Changbin thought about the city he lived in, he thought about the dirty corners, he thought about corruption, he thought about poverty and criminality.

 

Hyunjin saw the same city as freedom, romanticism, excitement, places to explore, endless possibilities.

 

He parked his car and hesitated about getting out. Maybe he should just turn on the engine again and drive away. He hadn’t checked in with his parents, so there wasn’t anything that kept him there for today. But he’d already driven this far so might as well just do it, no?

 

He couldn’t of picked a worse time.

 

Hyunjin marched through the moist foliage and eyed the constellation of fallen trees he still had memorised. Just trees and plants that shouldn’t of had any meaning but they were, for some reason or the other, the most efficient signposts he’d come across. He knew still what each and every one meant and where it lead to. The forest had many little hideouts and surprises, some of which he hadn’t visited in literal years, but he still knew all about them.

 

The well was old and creaky. Moss grew along the stone and sprouted out of the gaps. The wooden posts and roof above it were almost rotten and, for the past decade or so, looked like they could crash into each other any moment but it hadn’t happened yet. No one used it for its water anymore. It was gross and old and most people had forgotten about it. No one really came all the way to the glade; some people didn’t even know it existed.

 

It was a forest known for the tellings of spirits and dead people and people were told to leave it alone. When you’re five to fifteen years old, you don’t really care about that, though. It just makes it more exciting.

 

But the problem with the well today was that he wasn’t alone.

 

His stomach started wringing itself out inside him when he spotted a figure that could have been no one but Han Jisung. Mind you, he didn’t even really see him. Jisung was bowed over the brim, looking into the well, and Hyunjin saw but his back. He knew, though, that nobody came out to this place _ever_ — so who else would it be?

 

He hadn’t seen him yet. He could have turned around and crept, walked, ran away so he didn’t have to live this encounter.

 

_What are you even scared of?_

 

A voice at the back of his mind. _Do you even_ know _who that is?_

 

_That’s your best friend._

 

And that was the worst thing of all.

 

✧

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you,” said Jisung once he was done searching the bottom of the well for … whatever, really. Hyunjin didn’t care.

 

Something that Hyunjin noticed instantly was that Jisung had gotten a lot calmer. Growing up both had been terribly energetic, and remained so in their adult years, Hyunjin always a little more rational than Jisung, though. Now, just by looking at him, Hyunjin could tell that Jisung had found more peace in the quiet, simply because he didn’t widen his eyes anymore or gesture wildly when he talked. He’d noticed that when he’d helped Mia find her way back. If Jisung had still been Jisung from back then, then he would of joked about Mia losing her way until Jinyoung had to tell him it was enough.

 

“How have you been? How’s your niece?”

 

Hyunjin bit his lower lip and physically shook his head to get a grip on himself. “All is well.”

 

Jisung nodded, leaning against the well. His hair fluttered and he seemed to be drowning in his coat. “Did you get your jumper back? I would of sent it to you, but your parents didn’t know your new address. And whether they should give it to me if they did.” He ended with a little grin, but his eyes were spared. There was no mistaking he looked a little sad.

 

“I got it.” Hyunjin felt like he couldn’t say much at a time. He also didn’t know what there was to tell Jisung.

 

The way things had turned out was definitely not what Jisung had intended back then, what he’d thought they would be, but it had all gone very wrong.

 

Hyunjin sighed. This was getting him nowhere. Instead his chest was feeling … clogged. What had been hollow years before was clogged now.

 

“Is this not okay?” asked Jisung. “To talk again? Or be at the same place at the same time?” A pause, then he lifted a brow. “If you want one of us to leave, just know I was here first.”

 

And there he was again. Talking as though things hadn’t ever changed. It melted Hyunjin’s facade in a terribly nostalgic way. If Jisung could do this, then he could do it too. He was an adult. He was done running from the things that he feared, and maybe he had no goal at all, but that wasn’t the point.

 

“I guess it has to be okay,” said Hyunjin as he set himself in motion. Blades of grass gave away beneath his feet as he stomped a new trail towards the well. Jisung moved out of the way to give him a little space and lean against the well too if he wanted to.

 

Then it was silent again.

 

“I can’t believe how awkward this is.”

 

Hyunjin hadn’t expected anything else.

 

Jisung looked different. His cheeks were fuller, his better posture making him look taller — he stopped wearing colours and wore dark shades, making him look too adult to be Jisung. Even though he was also twenty-three now.

 

He turned to face him. Hyunjin’s hands were fidgeting around the stone, sparing the mossy areas. “How has life _really_ been?”

 

Hyunjin thought about what he could say. There wasn’t much to lie about but there was also little to tell him. The time and place was too awkward to recap the whole year for him, too. “City’s busy. As they are.”

 

Jisung hummed. “I remember.”

 

“And I … I have a boyfriend now.” For some reason he felt ashamed to share even though he should not have been. He was still struggling to fathom who it actually _was_ he had before him right now.

 

This was Han Jisung. His best friend.

 

Jisung’s eyes lit up. “You do? I’m happy for you. Be happy together.”

 

Hyunjin nodded but his chest ached. It hadn’t hurt this much ever since their break-up. Han Jisung. Han Jisung. Han Jisung. Han Jisung. _How could I ever have let go of you?_ “Are you really that happy?”

 

“I’m sorry, do you know me?” laughed Jisung, funnily enough, because for the past minutes, Hyunjin had been asking himself the exact same thing. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be? Because _I_ used to be your boyfriend?”

Hyunjin said nothing, only took in the features he had only seen once and very briefly in the past year. “That’s not what I’m like.” The corners of Jisung’s mouth moved up only slightly, and it made Hyunjin feel so warm.

 

“I know that.” Hyunjin returned the smile. God, he was feeling so many things right now. It was as though a mountain of everything he was physically capable of feeling came crashing down and avalanches upon avalanches consumed him.

 

Hyunjin still loved Jisung very much. He just didn’t know how to deal with it.

 

“For the record, I’m not seeing anybody right now.” Jisung cleared his throat and rubbed his thighs as he spoke. Rings adorned his gentle fingers as they always did. “I’m too busy with work. Started doing this … thing, and sometimes I have to travel. At first it sounds so exciting to everyone, but you know what I’m like.”

 

Hyunjin didn’t even know how to process what he was hearing and it was even harder to produce the words he wanted to say. Another emotion was added to the list and that was … sheer betrayal in its rawest form. A punch to the jaw. “You and traveling for work?” Work trips imminently meant the exact things Jisung hated to Hyunjin. And that just baffled him.

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” chuckled Jisung and ran a hand through his hair. It was brown now. When he buzzed it off it was black, then he’d dyed it blond, then he let it go back to black, and maybe he had tried a different colour in between but now Hyunjin was seeing brown. “I know what you’re thinking. I tried talking myself out of it but it didn’t work. Instead I was compensated with the ‘possibility to stay on the countryside’.” He paused, staring at Hyunjin blankly. Then he snorted. “Can you actually believe that?”

 

“I can’t, actually.” It just sounded so wrong. It was so, so wrong. It made everything worse. Hyunjin’s throat dried up and he was trying hard not to get angry. Maybe he thought wrong. Maybe he wasn’t slowly but steadily getting over Jisung at all.

 

“It’s ironic, I know.” Jisung’s face fell, worry replacing his jocular attitude. “But Malaysia’s nice, you know. Work’s affiliated with Malaysia, Indonesia and Taiwan. I’ve only been to Malaysia for a week so far but I have to go again next year. Wish me luck.”

 

“Don’t you think this is a bit severe right now?”

 

Jisung sighed, then his eyes blazed over in something fiery that Hyunjin had never seen before. “It wasn’t my choice. Please don’t act like I’m going to … to spite you, or something. It’s unpleasant for me, too. The plane rides are hell on earth.”

 

And Hyunjin was being selfish. They were both always a little selfish but now, now Jisung had hit exactly what Hyunjin was thinking. For some absurd reason, his first thought was that Jisung told him he was traveling just to spite him. To tell him that he didn’t care. And what he’d said to him last year wasn’t true at all.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just- I’m sorry.” Hyunjin cooled down. He missed Jisung. He missed Jisung a lot. He didn’t know how to deal with that. He sought mistakes in what Jisung did. It wasn’t okay. He knew that.

 

“Don’t worry,” said Jisung, smiling a little again. He folded his hands over the brim of the well, staring inside. He was but a few centimeters away from Hyunjin who was going crazy beside him.

 

It was impossible to miss someone this much. He wanted to go see Changbin.

 

“Will you be coming down more often now? Maybe I could invite you to a drink.” Jisung looked up at him. “Fully keeping in mind you’ve a got a boyfriend now, of course. How did you meet?”

 

“Mutual friends.”

 

“I see. For how long?”

 

“Since April.”

 

“April? That’s … good for you. I’m really happy for you.” Jisung ruffled his hair absentmindedly. “So what about that drink?”

 

“Just like that?” asked Hyunjin, feeling a little bit of guilt bubble up within him. One, he didn’t know if he wanted to himself. Two, Changbin.

 

“Why not? So we can catch up.” There were so many things Hyunjin was not brave enough to voice. “The day after tomorrow would be fine for me.”

 

“I’ll come,” said Hyunjin. “But I’ll pay for myself.”

 

The day after tomorrow, Hyunjin wanted to head from Changbin’s place down home. Mum called him almost every single day and there were surprisingly a lot of things to talk about, but he still wanted to go check to see how they were doing by themselves. Well, they weren’t entirely alone. Ever since Jinyoung had moved close, Mia wanted to come see her grandparents as often as she could, so they were spending a lot of time with them and that relieved Hyunjin greatly.

 

He threw on Changbin’s jumper and squeezed his head into a headband before heading for the door. Changbin stopped him though.

 

“I just got back from the south and you’re leaving me again?” He whined, wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s waist. Hyunjin rolled his eyes, trying to suppress the fact that he was maybe meeting up with somebody he shouldn’t be meeting up with.

 

Hyunjin giggled at a kiss to his neck. “Just a few hours. If you want me to I’ll be back right after.”

 

Changbin’s hand slipped under his jumper and was cold on Hyunjin’s skin. His lips wandered upwards to capture his own and they both got lost for a moment. “I’ll probably just order pizza and sulk while watching TV without you.”

 

“I’ll join you as soon as I’m done, okay?” Hyunjin kissed Changbin again. Changbin was so gentle it paradoxically almost hurt him. His care and peaceful mannerisms overwhelmed Hyunjin with such a feeling of safety that Hyunjin would rather not leave this new home he’d found.

 

“Where are you going, anyway?” Changbin pressed his face into the crook of Hyunjin’s neck and Hyunjin rubbed his back. Changbin was shorter but broader than him, so embraces were always a distinct feeling of _giving_ and _receiving_ comfort. That was one of his favourite things in the world.

 

Hyunjin struggled with answering the question but that didn’t bother Changbin at all. “I’ll go meet an old friend.” Which wasn’t dishonest.

 

“Say hi from me then.” Changbin’s warm breath made Hyunjin want to let go even less. They stood there for a little, and even though he was tired Changbin looked up again and couldn’t resist kissing Hyunjin. This time though, both got a little bit too into it. Hyunjin ended up pinned against the wall and their kisses got sloppier. Eventually, though, Hyunjin tore himself out of the sudden chaos.

 

Lips blurry, Hyunjin said, “We’ll take care of that later.”

“I hope so.”

 

Hyunjin hadn’t given Jisung his new number because he hadn’t asked. They’d settled on time and place beforehand and he showed up punctually. He had no expectations and frankly, kind of a bad feeling. He didn’t know what he was chasing. In his mind, he called it an experiment. Just to see where all this would go. But he knew his boundaries.

 

They met in a recently opened café that Hyunjin didn’t know. He greeted many people on the way — he’d almost forgotten how that was like. To not get lost among the unknown faces. And he ran into people he’d forgotten he’d known. It was all so off and familiar but new. All of it contradicted itself, and most of all of course, his meeting with Jisung.

 

Was there something to forgive? Hyunjin considered it. After it happened, he’d just left. Without thinking much about it. There hadn’t been a better point in his life to do it. Whether or not there was something worthy weighing forgiveness and keeping his grudge he didn’t know. But he did know there hadn’t really been a fight. And, if he looked at things objectively, then there also hadn’t been any bad blood.

 

So what was he scared of?

 

Han Jisung was Han Jisung. He hadn’t magically turned into a completely different person with their parting ways. _It’s all so messed up,_ Hyunjin thought as he took a seat in front of Jisung at the bar. _How time can change things._ Because not long ago he'd thought he never wanted to see Jisung again.

 

This time, things were not as unpleasant as they had been by the well. Jisung elaborated more on his work, even showed him photos on his phone and told him about people he’d met. It was all well and good until Hyunjin was expected to say something about his life thus far.

 

And he still didn’t know what to say. He told Jisung about his dynamic with Changbin, and what Changbin did. Jisung seemed impressed with his profession, even jotting something down on his phone, and listened carefully as Hyunjin spoke. He thought well about the things he should tell Jisung and which details to spare, made sure not to reveal too much ...

 

Ultimately Hyunjin ended up catching himself simply gushing about Changbin.

 

It wasn’t wrong to do, he convinced himself. The words took a hold of him and he just started saying what was on his mind when he thought about Changbin. He surprised himself with how much that was. Hyunjin thought coexisting with Changbin was beautiful and fun but as he talked he found himself spiraling into a mess of words too heavy with a feeling that could very well be love.

 

He’d thought that would put Jisung off. But Jisung listened to him with a smile on his face of a kind he’d never seen before. It was … genuine happiness, but not because _you_ are really happy, but because you are feeling someone else’s glee.

 

Hyunjin blushed and cleared his throat. “So much for him, I guess …”

 

“No, tell me more if there’s anything.” Jisung propped his chin up on his palm, digits drumming against the side of his face. “It’s fun, listening to you, I mean.”

 

“Because I’m being cheesy?” Hyunjin chuckled in embarrassment.

 

“Because you’re happy. That’s what I care about most.”

 

Warmth pooled in the pit of Hyunjin’s stomach and he didn’t know what to think. Was he really happy? Or was he missing something? He knew he did but he struggled to find the right words for that. And he didn’t want to. He shouldn’t have to. “Your attention span has gotten longer I see.”

 

Jisung rolled his eyes. “You know in my life I’ve only ever paid attention to you, whichever way you want to take that." Hyunjin's stomach flipped. "Carry on?”

 

“Gladly.”

 

Jisung and Changbin were really different. Hyunjin was constantly trying to suppress the need to compare but he just couldn’t help it. Jisung asked a lot of questions about him, such as what _he,_ Changbin, thought about their relationship, and when Hyunjin started mentioning Yuqi and Woojin more often, the conversation was carried to them.

 

“The boys miss you,” said Jisung, sipping his drink, suddenly remembering their mutual childhood friends. “You ever think about them?”

 

“Every once in a while. I miss them too.” But in reality, Hyunjin had almost forgotten about them and the instant wave of guilt that hit him was unbearable. Seungmin, Minho, Jeongin. They’d played such important roles in his life back then. He’d never once thought to come back to see what they were doing. For some reason he found that absolutely messed up. It was as though the things they'd done for him, the many times they covered for him when he messed up, had been completely wiped from his memory and only returned with Jisung's mentioning them.

 

He’d been avoiding Jisung but they didn’t have anything to do with it. He was so obsessed with leaving behind the bad things that he forgot to come back to the good things.

 

“Minho’s upset with you.” Jisung chuckled to himself. “Because you didn’t even tell them where you moved to. And they didn’t want to ask your parents because they wanted you to care.”

 

“I’m sorry, I sound so mean right now-” he added quickly, bringing a hand to his mouth.

 

Hyunjin waved it off, still feeling hot. “It’s okay, they’re right.” He paused, then a thought struck him with his glance at the clock. “Did you tell them I’d be coming?”

 

“I didn’t know if you’d want me to, so no.”

 

“How about a surprise meeting in a few days? I have to run now, date night with my boyfriend. How does tuesday sound?”

 

“I’m game.”

 

Tuesday came and the visit was not a surprise visit at all. He’d barely even made it. Jinyoung decided to inform him last minute that he and Minseo were leaving for a romantic vacation, just a few days before winter ruined everything (it was still very much autumn), and he was dropping off Mia at his place to babysit. When asked why they didn’t ask gran, Jinyoung said Mia herself had said she wanted to stay with her uncles. And that was that.

 

Luckily one of them worked more from home now, as Changbin was recording a CD in his little studio with the piano, so she spent most of the time with Changbin at his apartment and Hyunjin practically lived there for the duration of it. When Changbin was gone for his evening appointments, Hyunjin was there most of the time, so it all kind of worked out well enough.

 

Hyunjin left the two home watching Changbin’s favourite Ghibli movies that he’d been shocked Mia had never seen before. It was kind of a heartwarming sight. Whenever a creature appeared that gave Mia the creeps, she buried her face in Changbin’s arm until he told her it was gone or that she _had_ to look because it was important.

 

But when he and Jisung arrived later at Minho’s place, Minho wasn’t impressed at all.

 

“You didn’t miss me?” laughed Hyunjin, eyeing Jisung from the side.

 

“I heard you got here. Your breaking up was the talk of town back then,” said Minho, opening the door wider for them to come inside. “And seeing you together in the café after that …” He lifted his brows and audibly sucked in air through his teeth. “Too many people love gossip.”

 

Another thing Hyunjin hated dearly about little towns. People gave too many shits about things that weren’t their business at all because they were bored off their asses. Especially difficult if you weren’t straight. In the city you didn’t even have the time to care about yourself, let alone worry about what other people were doing in their private time.

 

“Still I’m happy you’re back,” added Minho, giving him a pat on the back. “I’m a little offended at how long it took you, though.”

 

And the whole thing started anew. Seungmin and Jeongin came over with lots and lots of food. He told them what he’d told Jisung about his life and Minho was very critical about Changbin.

 

“Don’t you think you’re moving fast? It’s been like six months and you’re leaving him alone with your niece you didn’t know existed for five years.”

 

Seungmin slapped his arm. “Shut up.”

 

“How else should it go? We’re both letting things happen naturally.” Hyunjin caught the string of cheese delicately slipping off his pizza with his mouth. “It’s fun and nothing feels wrong.” Nothing felt wrong but sometimes he felt like things were missing.

 

“You’re just bitter nobody wants you,” said Seungmin and glared at Minho. “Don’t be so rude.”

 

“Anyway,” Jeongin raised his voice to drown out their brewing quarrel. “Just do what you think is right.”

 

He was trying to. It felt good to be back with his friends but it felt so strange to see Jisung beside them, even though he’d always been a part of this. Or, well, if it hadn't been for Jisung, then he never would of met these guys in the first place. Jisung had been more than a part of this. Hyunjin still very much liked the curl of Jisung’s lips and his now smaller gestures when he spoke. He liked his broad way of thinking. He liked _Jisung._ And it was hurting him a little.

 

Breaking up with your boyfriend wasn't easy but losing your best friend at the same time made it so much worse.

 

 

 

 

**_November_ **

 

 

 

 

In November, Hyunjin and Jisung still met, they just met less. Throughout October they met every now and then, whenever they could manage, but Hyunjin always thought about breaking the contact again. It wasn’t something that should happen in the first place. He still didn’t know what they were trying to achieve.

 

Things would definitely never go back to how they used to be. Both knew that for a fact. But they were still meeting up, no idea where it would take them. The things they talked about were repetitive. Sometimes they talked about shared memories, of which they had countless. It was so strange to think about how all of this trust they had built had come crashing down in a conversation that Hyunjin remembered to have been five minutes long. Years and years lost.

 

Meeting with Jisung was endearing but deeply saddening at the same time. Especially as more time passed. The reality that this was gone and that sooner or later they would definitely have to break this brief contact again was somewhat depressing, still Hyunjin accepted it. In fact that's what he wanted.

 

Nothing was happening anyway. The spacing between their meetings got bigger and they still didn’t have each other’s new numbers. They just told the other when they were free and made sure to appear on the day they’d agreed on. Both were keeping a bit of a distance with this, Jisung out of respect for Changbin, Hyunjin for the same reason.

 

Hyunjin came home from his meeting with Jisung at his place. Jisung still didn’t know where Hyunjin lived now but he didn’t ask so he didn’t say anything. It had been really strange seeing Jisung’s home again, for the first time in what felt like forever. But now he was just relieved to come and crash into Changbin’s arms.

 

“Mhm, you’re heavy,” said Changbin and wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s torso. “You’re crushing me.” Hyunjin was lying flat on top of Changbin on his velvety black couch in Changbin’s spacious living room. There was a huge TV installed in the wall across from them and the couch stretched along the wall in a pointy U-shape. There was no carpet but gentle tiles and a large coffee table separating them from the TV. Changbin had really modern standing lamps and also lava lamps, the only specks of colour in his apartment, lined up on the shelf next to the TV.

 

“I’m not heavy, you’re weak,” Hyunjin mumbled and rolled off of him, grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. “I’m so tired.”

 

“What have you and this _friend_ been up to that you’re so tired?” asked Changbin, rubbing his thumb along the back of Hyunjin’s palm. His hand was really cool and smooth.

 

Hyunjin held tightly onto him. “Don’t say it like that. I don’t like you saying it like that.”

 

Changbin chuckled. “It was just a joke. But will you ever tell me about your friend?”

 

“His name is Han Jisung,” said Hyunjin, and that was the first time ever he had mentioned his name to him. “And he used to be my best friend. It all kind of fell apart and then I moved.”

 

“So you’re rebuilding your relationship? That’s sweet.” Changbin rolled over and clung to Hyunjin again, hand on his tummy. Hyunjin found it relaxing whenever Changbin did that. It also made him feel a little guilty.

 

“Honestly, not really. We’re just meeting, but nothing’s really happening.”

 

“Did you have a bad falling out?” Changbin let go of him and propped himself up on his elbows. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know and no. When it happened I just left, you know? It’s not worth thinking about much.”

 

“But he’s your best friend.” _And he used to be so much more than that Changbin but I can’t bring myself to tell you because I’m scared you’ll take it the wrong way._

 

 _It’ll be even worse though if more time passes and he finds out through someone else,_ a rational voice in his head told him, and maybe that was a piece of advice he should have followed. He didn’t though.

 

“He _used_ _to_ be my best friend,” corrected Hyunjin. “I don’t know what he is anymore.”

 

“Well, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.” Changbin closed his eyes. “I’m here though, yes? I’m always here for you.”

 

Of course. Hyunjin was his home. It was time Hyunjin properly appreciated Changbin as a part of his.

 

“Kiss me?” Changbin asked and Hyunjin did so gladly.

 

✧

 

Lee Felix.

 

Over the past months, Hyunjin had kind of been neglecting him. He did his best to speak to Hyunjin when he could but because he was a bit awkward, it didn’t get anywhere, and Hyunjin was mean enough not to put in some effort himself. It wasn’t like he noticed, though. Felix’ attempts to befriend him totally went over his head. He was always busy, always doing something, always meeting up with somebody else, and he didn’t notice how much Felix was trying until he wasn’t trying anymore.

 

It was like a part of his day, his routine, was missing. Hyunjin decided to check in on him before he went to work. Felix opened, looking a little bit disheveled, bloody scratches on his cheeks and arms.

 

Hyunjin’s eyes widened. “Are you-”

 

“I adopted another cat. She doesn’t like my other cat yet.”

 

Bibi didn’t like the cold, so Hyunjin had started seeing her less as the snow arrived. Felix’ new cat, Bongcha, was nowhere to be seen. “They’re having a fight,” said Felix as he sat at his table before remembering he wanted to offer Hyunjin something to drink. “Tea? Coffee? Capri Sun?”

 

“I’ll take the coffee. Why are they fighting?” Hyunjin looked around Felix’ apartment. He’d only glanced inside briefly. Felix’ place was the complete opposite of Changbin’s: Felix’ walls were white and there was so much colour that Hyunjin got whiplash. Not in a bad way. Felix’ taste for interior design was very unique, he just wasn’t used to that many colours and white from his own apartment and Changbin’s taste for black, grey, metallic and a little beige.

 

“They don’t like sharing a place, but I don’t have enough space to give them their own _rooms,_ which is what they seem to be wanting.” Felix shook his head. “Bongcha is a young cat and Bibi is old. So they’ll just have to get used to each other. They’ll be inseparable soon.”

 

Felix wiped his scratches with alcohol before carelessly smacking some bandages onto his face. “Bibi never scratched me so this is a first.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I was just trying to move her. That’s all. She’s a little bitchy but that’s because the environment she grew up in wasn’t very kind to her,” explained Felix as he took a seat. “So I’m just going to have to be patient and make her feel loved. I think that’s what I do best.”

 

Their conversation was really relaxing and lovely. Felix was a ball of cotton whose thoughts and concerns went further than you’d think.

 

Changbin was having his annual New Year’s Party soon, which Hyunjin would also be a part of — with the honor of hosting with him — for the first time ever, so he thought that maybe inviting Felix wouldn’t be a bad idea.

 

Felix’ eyes widened at the invitation, then reduced to crescent moons instantly. “Of course I’ll come. If you don’t leave me alone there, that is. I don’t know anybody but you.”

 

“I won’t.”

 

Then Felix got a bit flustered. “You like men too? I didn’t know any other guy who did. I’m kind of a lone wolf, except I have cats. So it’s really nice to hear.”

 

Hyunjin laughed. “You’re not alone, don’t worry.”

  


Through Hyunjin, Felix ended up meeting Changbin, Yuqi, Woojin, Chan … everyone, really. Long overdue. It felt really good to, for the first time, be the one to introduce someone else to the rest. As expected they were very welcoming, so Felix didn’t have to worry about being alone on New Year’s at all. Changbin wouldn’t have allowed that anyway. In his home everyone was friends and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Even if it wasn’t true, he insisted.

 

And through Changbin, Hyunjin met Hyuna again. When Changbin approached him about her, Hyunjin had to search his memory for a face he associated with the name. At first nothing came to mind. But then he remembered the time he totally embarrassed himself in front of someone who knew everything about classical piano and then he had her face. Now that months had passed Hyunjin wasn't as clueless anymore, thanks to Changbin, but it wasn't like he played or anything.

 

“What about her?” He asked, leaning against the kitchen counter.

 

Changbin stepped on his foot while walking past him with the dishes. “Oops. What, what about her? You should say hi again sometime.”

 

“How do you know each other? She didn’t seem to be your fan.” Hyunjin snatched a piece of bread from the basket Changbin was moving and stuffed it into his mouth.

 

“She’s a reporter. They always find a way to get backstage. But unlike the others, she didn’t come for an interview or anything. She just wanted to talk, make friends, and she asked me about you, too.” Changbin gestured for Hyunjin to help him load the dishwasher. Hyunjin thought he’d get away with not doing anything at least today.

 

“She asked about me?”

 

“Yeah. Asked how you were doing, how _we_ are doing, and so on,” Changbin stretched and covered his yawn with his palm. “She’s so nice. We’ve had dinner a few times already.”

 

“Really?” Hyunjin looked up, eyebrow cocked. “You didn’t tell me about that.”

 

Changbin smiled with one corner of his mouth, rubbing Hyunjin's shoulder. “Well, you never tell me about Han Jisung, do you? So I’m just meeting with a friend, too.”

 

Hyunjin said nothing.

 

Curiously enough, Hyuna picked for them to go the theaters together. At first both Hyunjin and Changbin thought that she just wanted to meet with Hyunjin, but then, very last minute, they realised she’d been talking about the both of them the whole time. Changbin got ready by throwing on a suit and slipping into his red oxfords.

 

No matter how much Changbin tried to take care of them, they were indeed starting to look a little worn out. Hyunjin was thinking of a gift for Christmas for Changbin already, and maybe he was going to get him another pair, so he could clean his dad’s pair and keep it on display somewhere around the apartment while showing that he still cared to keep his habit with the other. Christmas was a bit of pressure on Hyunjin in general, simply because Changbin hadn’t wanted any gifts before and he wanted to give him the perfect one now. Additionally, it was also their first Christmas together. He wanted that to be perfect.

 

Hyuna appeared in an elegant red one piece, complimenting her black hair and brown eyes.

 

“Hey, how have you been?” To his surprise she hugged Hyunjin, which wasn’t something he was really used to, but it didn’t bother him too much. The setting was so casual, but he found they could simply go see a movie together because Hyuna and Changbin were already close. They didn't _have_ to do a lot of talking, and Hyuna was the type of person to talk through movies anyway. Hyunjin saved his words for after the movie, where they made their way to a nice place Hyuna had made a reservation at, his hand slipping into Changbin's coat pocket and squeezing Changbin's. They didn't read anything about each other anywhere so Hyuna was a friend to keep.

 

He was feeling great. He’d met so many people in this year. People who cared to pursue the friendship. This year was a good one, and maybe he was looking forward to the next.

 

Jisung could be a bigger part of that. But maybe that was just chasing wishful thinking.

 

✧

 

“So what are your plans for the new year? Have you been thinking about resolutions?” Jisung straightened his back, eyes darting around the area for a little. They’d chosen a more secluded corner in the back of the restaurant, where they had a pretty good view over all of the people and everyone who came and left, but they were far enough to be left alone.

 

This was their final dinner together for a while, but Hyunjin didn’t know that yet.

 

“It’s the same every year and I wonder why I still care to make them.” Hyunjin rolled the pasta up on his fork with help of the spoon, avoiding Jisung’s look. The atmosphere of the restaurant was lively and sweet, the air filled with chattering and the smells of all kinds of delicious meals mingling. Their table was greatly illuminated by a huge lamp hanging low from above them, almost ominous.

 

“Hm. But last year’s resolution seems to’ve gone really well? I mean. There’s little to go wrong.” Jisung was smiling at him, vibrant white teeth in the light. Something about the way they treated each other really bugged Hyunjin. And also, it was kind of strange how painfully obvious Hyunjin's resolution from last year had been, so much so that even Jisung was able to guess it.

 

“I moved, got the job I wanted, got promoted, got a boyfriend, made up with my brother … I guess I really got more than I expected. It was a turbulent year.”

 

“Don’t forget about me,” laughed Jisung but it almost sounded a little strained.

 

Hyunjin’s neck burned. “Of course. And I’m meeting up with you again.” He didn’t know how else to put it. These weren’t _dates_ for obvious reasons. But they also weren’t friends, they were just being _friendly_ to each other.

 

That was painful. “But the year’s not yet over,” said Jisung as he stuffed more of his food into his cheeks, then waited until he’d chewed and swallowed to proceed. He’d never cared much about manners with Hyunjin. He always spoke whenever words wanted to come out. “One more month. A lot of things can happen. You never know.”

 

“That’s true, but I’m pretty sure nothing’s going to happen. There isn’t anything I can think of.”

 

He’d made up with friends and made new ones. He’d made up with family and returned to the one he left behind. He established his home and his definition of home. This was probably one of the best years of his life, if not _the_ best -- minus the fact that Jisung hadn't been there for most of it.

 

One thing he wished to happen by the end of the year, though.

 

Hyunjin wanted to know what Jisung was to him now and what he could be in the future. It would be a successful year then.

 

“What about you, have you come up with resolutions yet?” Hyunjin directed his question back at him. Jisung was generally a more interesting person, so he probably had more interesting things to say.

 

Jisung tapped the handle of his fork against his chin. “Not really. Have I told you I’ll be leaving for Malaysia again?”

 

The weight of it brushed over Hyunjin. Jisung was really leaving again. “No, you haven’t.”

 

Jisung nodded. “For three months this time. I’ll have January packed with preparations, then I’ll have to go. I’m working hard on my Malay.”

 

“You should bring me something.” Hyunjin leaned back in his seat, crossing his feet below the table. Jisung was leaving again. It was such an odd thing to think about.

 

Han Jisung _leaving._ Who would have ever thought?

 

“I’ll try not to forget. Maybe we should meet again as soon as I’m back. I’ll show you what I did there.” He worked a job at the airport or something, nothing Hyunjin had ever really asked about, and he traveled very little compared to his colleagues. He also traveled to places that he knew. Malaysia was made his responsibility because he was uncomfortable with traveling but he had family there, so it wouldn’t be an overall unpleasant experience. That was as considerate as his workplace got.

 

“Then when do you want to meet?” Hyunjin thought about finally giving him his number for this. Enough time had passed. Not enough to figure out what he wanted, but a certain feeling was bubbling up within him, and maybe he was ready to get rid of that weird form of distance between them. Still there was something oddly charming about not having to do that and things working out just fine.

 

“Hm. How does May first sound? It’s an easy enough date to remember. I’ll be back in the final week of April, and you know I can’t sit still for long so I don’t need a lot of rest.”

 

“May first,” Hyunjin parroted, making a mental note. “Sounds good.”

 

“And you’ll come?” Jisung’s voice had an hopeful undertone. He looked so cheerful and was well dressed tonight, his appearance accentuated by the lighting.

 

Hyunjn beamed back at him. “I won’t forget.”

 

 

 

 

**_Sometime_ **

 

 

 

 

The doors to each other’s places were always open, and more often than not someone was sprinting up and down the stairs in the search of one another, greatly annoying the parents of the house.

 

They weren’t too keen on phones and preferred running around outside even though people told them to grow up. Seungmin often had to hold his little siblings’ hand while doing stuff that would probably get him in trouble. They conducted the teenagers of the neighbourhood like an orchestra, and in compensation they were their free passes for everything.

 

When a parent said, “You’re not allowed to go there without an adult!” then the kids could say that Seungmin, Minho, Jisung or Hyunjin was there too (Jeongin didn't count yet), because it was probably the truth. Lots of expectations rested on their shoulders and sometimes they got fed up with the kids. But they were all very close so that was just how things were like.

 

There was a new neighbour and they hated him. He was mean for no reason. He parked his car in the middle of their playing area and while Hyunjin didn’t often participate and served more as a sitter, it got him heated. He thought he was showing off, with his ugly white car that was older than he probably thought. The kids hadn't done anything wrong (yet) and maybe it was just the bitter, bachelor, middle-aged man in him that wanted to take their fun.

 

One day, Jisung had enough of that, and the five came up with something that, in retrospect, they probably shouldn’t have done. The five of them and a few kids, as many as would fit, climbed on top of the car and suddenly they forgot what they were doing, it was all too much fun to even think about morality and being better than those who did you wrong, simultaneously it was a bit of deserved revenge and maybe something like karma too. They didn’t rest until the car crashed in on itself and they realised what happened. It had made a loud, metallic noise, and the five snatched all their things off the curb and took off to all directions possible before anyone came out to ask what that noise was.

 

Jisung and Hyunjin ran together. They were barefoot and it hurt like hell, their feet probably already bleeding, and burning from the little cuts the sticks and stones put them through, but it was not at all unfamiliar. They ran home and quickly washed their feet, bandaging them. Jisung’s mum called something after them but Jisung had pressed shoes he could borrow to Hyunjin’s chest and off they were again.

 

“I don’t think we want to be there when the guy comes back.” It wasn’t their first time doing something like this.

 

Two years ago, the two had wanted to figure out how to drive a motorbike all by themselves, and obviously borrowed Minseok’s for that. It had just meant to be a little bit of fun and then they’d return it. Little did they know they’d crash into the next wall (unharmed, if anyone cared about that) and bend the front part, completely busting the tire, and end up having to push it all the way to Minseok’s house before they ran off to hide. Hyunjin’s dad tried to cover for him with the same old “Boys will be boys” but that didn’t prevent the hell that waited for them.

 

They ran down into the forest, jumping over old dead trunks and fallen branches, all the way until the glade, where at the other border was a small well. They usually used this well as a meeting place, but they doubted the others would come running here tonight.

 

Panting and shaking, Hyunjin and Jisung high fived with a wheeze of laughter, then bent over to place hands on their knees or lean against the well to try and recover.

 

“I — that was — fuck,” Jisung attempted, making an X with his arms. “No — air — oh god.” And then he just started laughing, but that only made it worse.

 

“I know,” heaved out Hyunjin, a little dizzy from the lack of air. The well was quite far and they had run without a break even crossing their minds. When they recovered, though, the two fell into a silence that they filled with kisses.

 

A year had passed but they hadn’t yet told anyone about their boyfriends status. For some reason they found it a very nice and personal secret to keep. Surely the ‘future wife’ talks started getting on their nerves, but as more time passed they just grew to find it very amusing, because it definitely wasn’t something that was going to happen anytime ever at any point of their lives.

 

The water below them sloshed against the stone walls of the well, prompted to by the wind. Hyunjin couldn’t imagine this thing in use at any point of its existence. Who know what waited at the bottom of the well, and how many dead animals or bugs had landed in there. Just thinking about it gave him the creeps. Certainly not water he’d like to come in contact with.

 

“We should head up to the city sometime,” said Hyunjin, freezing a little. He pecked Jisung’s lips one last time before wrapping his arms around himself. His hoodie kept him warm enough, but he was wearing shorts still despite it being October. “I heard they’re opening a new set of clubs.”

 

“Not like you’ve ever been to a club before.” Jisung chuckled, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. “You know, why don’t we just go to the pub in town? It’s the most popular place.”

 

Hyunjin rubbed his arms in thought. “But they’re new. It’s reason to go up and see how they’re changing the atmosphere. I’ve been to the pub countless of times even if the strongest thing I got to drink was a glass of milk with pomegranate syrup.”

 

“Mr. Hwang’s a regular?”

 

“No, Mrs. Song likes to meet up with her lady friends.” Hyunjin sighed. Growing up his mum did indeed drag him along to many meetings. Before she’d had Jinyoung to babysit for her. When he moved and dad was working she’d had no choice but to force him to tag along. That his cheeks had survived all these years of pinching was a miracle to him.

 

But it was true, he didn’t want to go down to the pub. It was lively but also fairly dull. He wanted to see the colours, unfamiliar faces, hear loud music rather than voices he’d heard so often like an ever running tape. Jisung was for commodity, Hyunjin wanted the big stuff. He wanted to see a bit of the world. And only the city gave him this without traveling too far. Broad streets, city street lights, neon ads — maybe he was just too much of a romantic. That didn’t meant it wasn’t true and real, though.

 

“Please come with me to the city. You’re used to train stations and stuff. This is no different, you know.”

 

“I’m used to pushing my path through,” corrected Jisung. “Not used to staying put with so many people around you.”

 

“It’ll be fun, I promise,” Hyunjin interlaced their fingers, but worry defined Jisung’s features. He didn’t like the idea of that at all. He’d always thought it was no place for him and Hyunjin knew that. But he still held onto that tiny spark of hope that maybe sometime Jisung would fall in love with the city life too.

 

He’d done it for Hyunjin and Hyunjin was grateful for that. They were walking next to each other, along the boulevard and following the mass of people. They hadn’t been to this city that often before but Hyunjin had tried to remember everything whenever they'd come. In the city he took on the role that Jisung had everywhere else. It felt refreshing to be the one in charge for a while, but Jisung was alarmingly quiet. Jisung usually always had something to say. Had something to comment on. A sudden thought he wanted to voice out loud. But when they came to the city, Jisung turned really quiet.

 

Hyunjin used the GPS in his phone to find the new clubs. He was ready for the drinks and for the party, the sounds of the city all drowned out by heavy bass and dancing bodies. Hyunjin was, normally, a shy person and curled up into himself. But that was what he’d always dreamed of, and with Jisung here, it was something that he could realise.

 

The drinks were expensive and so were everyone’s outfits. The DJ played her most popular mix and the crowd was roaring. “She’s a _Dazzler_ , isn’t she?” Hyunjin yelled at the top of his lungs so Jisung would hear.

 

Jisung looked past him, at the short-haired woman by the mixing board, and cocked an eyebrow. “The lights are missing.” But Hyunjin found it was great like this. Purple and yellow danced along the walls, illuminating those it caught for a few seconds, lots of neons in the corners of the club. That was no _Dazzler;_ but it did come close to her.

 

Time passed quickly in the club for Hyunjin but was excruciatingly slow for Jisung. While Hyunjin observed the crowd and let the music guide him, Jisung constantly eyed the security heavy exit.

 

Jisung yelled something but Hyunjin couldn’t hear. The adrenaline was rushing through his body and he could hear his blood pumping in his ears. It was a moment of static where his senses were overstimulated to a point his consciousness shut down and he watched his every move subconsciously. Maybe it was the alcohol, but there couldn’t have been enough of that in his system already.

 

“I need to go.” Jisung shouted again. In a very similar fashion, Jisung was losing control of his senses as well. The only difference was that for him it was nothing but negative. “ _Right now_.”

 

And because Hyunjin still didn’t hear, having a hard time reading his lips, Jisung just clenched his jaw and stormed off, pushing aside those who were in his way, as he did. Hyunjin didn’t even register his leaving until he was gone for roughly a minute, which is when Hyunjin decided to get a grip on himself and left his drink by the bar before going outside to fetch Jisung.

 

Jisung was nowhere to be found at first and panic flooded Hyunjin. They weren’t supposed to be separated. They had come to have fun but maybe he was going too far. His heart shrunk in his chest, a painful thought piercing through it. Maybe he’d overdone it. Maybe he’d pushed Jisung too far. He thought he was giving a gentle pat to his comfort zone in an attempt to get him out of there but maybe Jisung just wasn’t ready.

 

What counted now was that he found him. He searched the entire area around the club but there was not a trace of him. Asked the guards about a man with dirty blond hair, was about yea tall, should have looked minimally distressed to put it lightly. No one had paid attention except for a young woman smoking a cigarette by the club entry.

 

Following what she’d told him, Hyunjin found Jisung had run off to the other side of the road, around the restaurant that waited there, because the space was a little more open. He looked better but his expression still showed slight traces of terror.

 

“Are- are you okay? I was worried sick about you.” Hyunjin put his hands on Jisung’s shoulders.

 

“I just want to go home. Please, let’s go home.”

 

Hyunjin nodded and nodded again. “I thought that place was going to swallow me whole, Hyunjin,” said Jisung and his voice trembled a little. His eyes were sharp but there was no mistaking the wetness. “I’m not doing that again. I’m sorry, Hyunjin.”

 

“You don’t have to be sorry to me; this is about you.” Hyunjin tried to keep calm so Jisung would be able to follow his example and breathe slowlier. “I didn’t know it was this bad. I just thought you … you didn’t _like_ being here.”

 

“I didn’t know either,” said Jisung, shrugging Hyunjin’s hands off to rub his temples. “I just want to go home.”

 

“Come on then, let’s get you home.”

 

Hyunjin made sure Jisung was comfortable. Thankfully his parents weren’t there; the explaining they’d have to do sounded too exhausting and they’d already had a turbulent night. Hyunjin kept apologising and Jisung kept saying that it was fine as long as there would be no repetition.

 

“I guess that’s why I hate the city so much,” he said, taking off his shirt and undershirt, feeling too hot in the turmoil. “I like being where I have enough space to exist.”

 

“You’ll be okay? Want me to stay over tonight?”

 

Jisung rubbed his temples again and scratched his neck. “I … think you should go. Thanks for looking out for me, but I’ll be okay from now on. Just need a moment to think.”

 

Hyunjin assured and reassured himself, tried to feel less guilty about leaving Jisung alone, but Jisung sent him a text. _It was just a first time,_ it said. _Don’t you worry too much about that now._

 

That night he’d slept restlessly. He remembered the guilt clear as day. He’d never wanted and want to hurt Jisung in any kind of way, he thought he was doing him a favour, he thought he was broadening his horizon. But Jisung knew himself best. Even though, when you knew each other since the first year of elementary, he sometimes forgot about that.

 

 _Come to the well,_ Jisung had texted him three years or so later. It was a text message Hyunjin would never forget. The past few days they hadn’t really talked all too much; Jisung seemed busy with family all of a sudden and Hyunjin was also given more work than he could handle alone. They were both twenty-two now, they had more responsibilities than before, but their relationship worked just fine. They were both out and never minding the mixed reactions that it got. A lot had changed in the years they were together, most of which for the better. Hyunjin had found the job he wanted to work and Jisung was kind of trying out everything. Together they were doing just fine and they'd grown a lot.

 

They were still very much each other’s best friend, but maybe that was the problem.

 

When Hyunjin came down to the well, expertly navigating through the forest, something he could have done with closed eyes, he could instantly sense something was wrong.

 

Jisung was already waiting by the well, leaning onto the brim. He was dressed in a thick coat. It was autumn. Autumn seemed to hate Hyunjin alot, even though that didn’t make a lot of sense.

 

Hyunjin hugged Jisung but when he dipped his head to kiss him, Jisung didn’t follow the motion. Instead he cleared his throat and placed a hand on Hyunjin’s chest, gently, to keep him from kissing him without being rude. Still it stung a lot.

 

“About that, actually …” Jisung started and Hyunjin knew how it was going to end even though he didn't want to admit it to himself. He felt a hollow inflate in his chest, and then his body perked up in gooseflesh as though he had just been thrown into a pool of ice water. Through which he had to break first.

 

“... I think I’m in your way.” What was he _talking_ about? Jisung held his gaze bravely, nothing in his eyes that Hyunjin could read. “I’ve been thinking a lot and we’re both reaching the age where we want to have what we want to do all figured out so we can work for it. I don’t think your wish to go to the city has disappeared yet, has it?”

 

Hyunjin took too long to realise that he was meant to reply. “Of course not.”

 

Jisung hummed, nodding. “As it should be. But my wish to stay here has also not changed.”

 

He inclined his head to the left and what hurt most about all of this was that he was looking at Hyunjin like he was his whole world and even more than that. Lips parted, eyes wide but gentle.

 

“I thought about this for days and nights every free second my mind had. Home’s stuffy and my relationship’s spiraling out of control as well,” he proceeded, rubbing his chest.

 

“I love you. You remember I told you that you shouldn’t ever forget you’re my best friend? That’s still true today. I think we should break up, Hyunjin. So nothing keeps you here, and nothing tells me to go.”

 

If there was still anything within Hyunjin at this point then it all crumbled apart. He hadn’t thought about his future. Much like Jisung always had, he’d lived day to day like it was handed to him as a gift, not expecting much of the future. In a bittersweet way, it was ironic that Jisung was making the calls when it came to their futures. And that he was right was the worst thing above all.

 

_You’re my best friend._

 

How could they possibly be after _this?_ Especially if Jisung was indirectly telling Hyunjin to go?

 

“After all we’ve been-”

 

“Yes,” Jisung interrupted him, and it sounded practiced. Rehearsed. The steel and determination in his voice. It sounded like hours upon hours in front of the mirror. “After all we’ve been through. Because I figure …”

 

“I understand now that we were meant to be together, whether as friends or as more than that, but maybe it wasn’t supposed to be a forever-thing.” Jisung’s voice was strained too and Hyunjin felt like the ground was being pulled away from below his feet. “I’m not a forever-thing. Not for you, you know that. Things could be different if we both had the desire to stay or if we both wanted to go. But it’s not like that, you know?”

 

“You don’t want us to decide on one thing.”

 

“Not anymore. It hasn’t worked in the past, think about it.” And Hyunjin thought about their little quarrels when they were younger, their disagreement growing up, their manifesting opinions when they started and the retention of those. “It hasn’t worked in the past, why would it work now?”

 

Hyunjin was speechless. For the first time in his life he felt _hollow._ “You know that-” He hated himself for his cracking voice. “You know that I won’t ever be able to look at you again? You’re the only one who’s always stayed and now you’re leaving too.”

 

Jinyoung. His parents were almost never home when he was growing up. Other family was too far away. It had always just been the two of them. And now there were two, just not together.

 

“You’re my best friend-”

 

“Clearly not.” Hyunjin gritted his teeth. Whether he really thought that or it was just the anger and hurt speaking, he didn’t know and neither did he care in the moment. “Otherwise you would of wanted to find a way with me. _Talk_ to me.”

 

Silence. Wind licked at Hyunjin’s face, pulling him in, and for the first time in his life he just wished it would take him with it.

 

“I’ll forgive you and pretend this didn’t happen if you _talk_ to me. If you tell me that you _want_ to figure something out.”

 

Why was Jisung not doing or saying anything? Why was he looking at Hyunjin through eyes like broken glass? “Please … Please just admit it to yourself. That’s all I ask of you.”

 

And why was he right? Every fiber of his being burned to leave this shabby place behind to see what was out there. He’d never tried to be this harsh but in reality, he _hated_ the town and its limited possibilities. He hated all of it. It was just a matter of time until he left. There was nothing that could stop him, even though Jisung wanting to break up made him feel like he could be stopped, but that wasn’t the truth.

 

It could work if one of them made the sacrifice. And they were both secretly hoping it was going to be the other.

 

“I see,” said Hyunjin, rubbing his face. Jisung sighed at the tears that slipped over his eyelashes and dripped onto his cheek, uncontrolled and unnoticed. Hyunjin didn’t notice he was crying, he just didn’t want to look at Jisung for the moment. “I can’t and have no desire to force you. That’s not how things are supposed to be.”

 

“Yeah,” Jisung said softly. A bitter silence loomed over them. The sounds of nature around them were so blatantly inappropriate; and the intimacy the location held, too. Jisung couldn’t of picked a worse place. This one was riddled with memories of love and care and other irreplaceable moments even if it wasn’t romantic. How could he dare take that away?

 

He’d made the decision then. It was the October before the January he moved.

 

Without Jisung, he had nobody, and thus no reason to stay any longer. If there was any point in time that was perfect to pack the few things he treasured and move them someplace else, it was now.

 

Jisung knew he made that decision. It was obvious. They were open books. No, they were books with chains and locks on them but they had each other’s key.

 

“I’ll always love you no matter how far you go,” said Jisung, Hyunjin’s throat burning. He looked just as hurt as Hyunjin felt but he was trying to be the stronger one out of the two. “Maybe I won’t love you as my boyfriend, but always as my best friend. No matter how far you go. Remember that, okay?”


	3. Chapter 3

**_New Year’s Eve_ **

 

 

 

 

On New Year’s Eve, friends and peers were over at Changbin’s apartment. Changbin told them it was tradition to celebrate the new year at his place, because they got a great view of the fireworks. Birthdays they always spent together at his place, too; it was spacious and sweet and everyone felt comfortable. Changbin didn’t mind either.

 

His apartment, decorated with shades of grey and black and sometimes nude, often felt secluded from the rest of the city. It was proud but still humble, and the sharp interior design just had something about it that Hyunjin hadn’t found anywhere else in the city.

 

All their friends were gathered, dressed a little too fancy for a meeting that was just them, but the new year had to be welcomed with grace. Woojin gave out drinks at the small bar and Changbin had opened his usually kept shut, broad balcony. How Changbin could dislike his balcony was beyond Hyunjin. He knew Changbin was scared of heights if there was nothing obvious to protect him from it, but the balcony was so huge and graceful that he didn’t even have to see what was below.

 

The party was on and Hyunjin and Changbin navigated through the crowd with their fingers interlocked.

 

“I invited some more people, you know,” said Changbin as he took a sip of Hyunjin’s drink. “More than usual.”

 

“As long as your apartment fits them, I don’t mind that at all.” It was their first new year together and Hyunjin was not about to ruin that moment for them. He let Changbin do his thing in his apartment with the people he wanted to invite.

 

If Hyunjin was a sleepy drinker, and Changbin an ‘angsty’ drinker, then Yuqi certainly was out of control when she drank. It had barely even hit eleven pm and she was already hanging loosely in her boyfriends arms, rocking back and forth, giggling at things she probably hadn’t heard. As long as her boyfriend had her under control when the fireworks started — she said she was kind of scared at the noise — then it should be okay. Felix was also making sure that she didn't slip out of his grasp and hit the floor unexpectedly.

 

But the guests who Changbin said would come were not what he expected. He hadn’t expected anybody, really, but when Jinyoung and Minseo showed up, Hyunjin was irritated. His eyes picked up Minseo in a red dress and Jinyoung in a grey suit, a few buttons undone, smiling brightly.

 

“There you go,” Changbin sing-songed, letting him go with a wink to welcome his guests. The door was open at all times, but since Yuqi didn’t want to move away from it her boyfriend figured he’d keep an eye open on who came and left to report to Changbin later.

 

His sibling and his sister-in-law looked amazing. Hyunjin himself had gotten a black suit and white dress shirt, grey tie keeping his collar in check. Changbin insisted he button the first (only the first) button of the suit jacket, which did look a lot better. You couldn’t see them but he was wearing a set of way-too-expensive bracelets that Changbin had gotten him for Christmas, a little heavy but more in the form of a reminder. Hyunjin had gone with the idea he had about the shoes, and Changbin was a whole different kind of happy Hyunjin had never experienced before.

 

Eventually Hyunjin couldn’t just keep standing around doing nothing, so he went to greet his family as well. “Changbin’s notice came a little sudden,” said Jinyoung, whistling lowly as he looked around the apartment. “He’d left the message with mum, but mum totally forgot about it. It’s the age.”

“At least you’ve made it,” said Changbin. “Where’s Mia?”

 

“We didn’t think you’d want her to join, too,” remarked Minseo, brushing her black curls with her fingers. “She likes to run around and get things dirty. I wasn’t sure you’d want her among your visitors.”

 

Changbin did look a little let-down almost. “Come on! She’s free to do whatever she wants here — as long as she doesn’t go out to the balcony — and I’m sure it wouldn’t have been so bad. She’s a sweet child.”

 

And Hyunjin did know he had developed some kind of bond with her too. It was hard not to; Mia was excited about new people, she had been excited about him when he was new in her life as well, and when Changbin came visit she wanted to know everything about him. She made him tea (asked gran to make him tea) and tugged at the legs of his trousers when he was sitting on the porch or in the garden with Hyunjin, asking him to read out something to her for his voice was so nice. Mia was a really loveable child, a little reckless, but that’s how children were, and Hyunjin used to be exactly like that, too.

 

Changbin came to realise he loved her dearly when Hyunjin had gotten up to accept the post for his parents, and the post lady jokingly asked him if he was free to grab a coffee sometime together.

 

Then Mia hadn’t hesitated to pop out from behind him and say, “Uncle only drinks coffee with his boyfriend!” And all three of the adults couldn’t stop laughing.

 

“We’ll remember for next time, and then Mia will be a little older, too,” said Jinyoung and wrapped his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “Where’re the drinks?”

 

Cheers sounded when the self-appointed DJ, Bang Chan, announced it was a minute before midnight, and he was going to give notice when the countdown dropped to twenty. Hyunjin was trying to feel a little giddy, but there was no denying that once again, something kept him busy. At this point it was plain annoying.

 

He was done thinking about Jisung. New Year’s had marked his new beginning and if he needed to make one more resolution for this to work out, then he was going to do it. And maybe talk about it to Changbin too.

 

The thought of it only made Hyunjin dizzy — what would he say without making it sound so wrong? The first idea that popped up as he stood behind Changbin, head propped up on his, was that he’d do it when both were drunk, but he realised that wouldn’t work at all.

 

While his eloquence didn’t disappear when he was drunk, and rather prominently came out instead, it clashed with Changbin’s doubts and thoughts. Something like this would give him the wrong idea.

 

It wasn’t like that at all.

 

Hyunjin’s throat got tight and a fire burned violently inside of it. Tears welled up in his eyes but he was quick to simply blink them away. Nothing of this should have gone so far. He’d chased something with no purpose, just to see where it took him, only to end up here.

 

There was something he needed to do now.

 

“20!” The crowd roared and laughter emerged.

 

“19!”

 

“18!” Everyone stood still after securing a spot in front of Changbin’s panorama window. All that mattered now was a set of numbers that needed to be shouted. Hyunjin downed the rest of his drink and forgot it on the coffee table.

 

“15!” Hyunjin’s grip around Changbin’s waist got tighter and Changbin turned to look at him, face pressed into his shoulder. Changbin’s smile really held all secrets to the world. It was bright and cheerful between all these voices and shadow movements that Hyunjin was perceiving but not taking in. And it was beautiful. So beautiful.

 

It felt good to be among people who cared about you, and his boyfriend’s interrupting the countdown to simply look at him spoke volumes to him. Not about this, but about himself. His throat was scratchy and he wished for nothing more than a glass of water.

 

“Ten!” Changbin definitely did see it and it transformed his face. His eyes vibrated in place, something going on behind them, and then Changbin twisted himself out of Hyunjin’s grasp and grabbed his hand, dragging him out on the balcony.

 

Cheers sounded for them and more people streamed out onto the balcony.

 

“Three!”

 

“Two!”

 

“One!”

 

“Happy New Year,” they said to each other as the first fireworks rocketed into the sky, and for their first moment together of the new year, nothing but their kiss mattered.

 

✧

 

“What is it?” Changbin crept up to him.

 

The guests had left, well, everyone but Yuqi, Woojin and Chan, who decided to crash. Yuqi’s boyfriend had to work at noon, so he’d driven off without her to get some sleep before he had to leave again. Felix had left his cats with his siblings, but he was still worried about them because of the fireworks, so he also left to check on them. Fortunately they hadn’t made as much of a mess as the both had anticipated, so cleaning up in the morning was actually kind of fun.

 

“What is what?” Hyunjin responded, dumping a few plates into the dishwasher. He was still a little sleepy, and dark eyebags circled his eyes.

 

Changbin hummed for a moment, collecting an empty bottle of tequila he didn’t recognise. “You seemed so sad yesterday. I didn’t want you to start off the new year sad.”

 

Silence for a moment. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” Changbin’s tone was very soft, exploring, his lips pursing into a natural pout as he spoke. For someone older than him Changbin definitely radiated such sweetness and innocence at the same time, even though the latter wasn’t necessarily accurate.

 

Maybe it was because he was hungover, but he couldn’t with that tone right now. He just wanted his solid voice for the moment, not that airy whisper that showed his concern.

 

“You speak to me so gently, as if you’re touching something fragile.”

 

Changbin didn’t respond at first. “I don’t see that being bad.”

 

“Hey, let’s talk about this later.” Hyunjin rubbed his eyes, fingertips resting at his temples. Way to start off the new year. It was all too familiar, though a little happier this time.

 

“Fine,” said Changbin and offered him a little smile. Then he went off to wake his friends. They’d agreed to go for breakfast together, their first activity together in the new year. How Yuqi wouldn’t want to spend that with her boyfriend, neither of them knew. But it was time for Hyunjin to finish up and get dressed too.

 

There were a lot of things Hyunjin didn’t know, but in a novel about places that shouldn’t exist in the form they did and restricted those who sought them in one way or the other, Mark Z. Danielewski told Hyunjin, “Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of ‘not knowing.’”

 

One thing he did know now, though:  After yesterday night, he learned the things he felt for Han Jisung were not love.

 

 

 

 

**_January_ **

 

 

 

 

In January, Changbin knew. A rock was lifted off his shoulders when Hyunjin learned rather than jealousy or suspicion, Changbin understood. At first he’d been quite puzzled as to why Hyunjin was suddenly talking about his ex, a first, but he realised their relationship had gone a lot deeper than that, that it wasn't just a romantic connection, and he'd let Hyunjin talk about all of it quietly and without judgement. He'd voiced that Hyunjin could of just told him earlier, that he was fine with it knowing Hyunjin. He trusted Hyunjin a lot which he appreciated greatly.

 

For some reason that made Hyunjin happier.

 

He was happier with Changbin now, for he figured out what exactly had given him troubles when he thought about Jisung. He’d never gone to Changbin for help of such kind before, but he found Changbin gave the absolute best advice and had nerves and patience of steel.

 

He was not only happy, he was also in love. Very much so. When he looked at Changbin, he saw everything.

 

They were thinking about moving in together. Hyunjin thought that had meant he moved to Changbin's place or they found something new, but Changbin was rather thinking about living together at Hyunjin's place. It was small and maybe just barely enough space for two but Changbin loved that cosy space like no other.

 

It was all still being figured out, but one day Changbin came to visit with really good news.

 

"Mum wants to meet you," he said, his eyes sparkling. Exhilarating news truly — radio silence on both sides disappeared with the snap of a finger.

 

"I thought she wasn't … you know." Changbin never really talked about his backfiring coming out, it was just too unpleasant. The only time he did was when he tried to get back in contact with his mother for the sake of having her meet his partner, an attempt she bravely ignored. Then nothing for months on end.

 

And suddenly she'd called him with an apology and sincere insight. Changbin told him he had a feeling his little sister was behind that; she'd supported him from the beginning and told him she brought him up whenever she could. It was a bit funny really, but it felt so good to hear that his mum had walked the same path as Hyunjin's parents.

 

When the day came, Hyunjin was nervous to no end. January was an ice month, the piles of snow were daring, making everything look like static sounded. This monochrome visual made Hyunjin even more nervous about the unknown he was going to face.

 

Changbin's mother. He'd heard what she was like. A bit of a perfectionist, in denial about her husband's passing, in denial about her son's existence, a control freak — on the flip side she was also a gentle and generous woman, he saw where Changbin had his mannerisms from, only locked up in a little bubble of hers.

 

They waited long for Mrs Kwak to open the door Changbin no longer had keys to, and eventually she didn't at all; Yehbin, Changbin's little sister, did in her stead.

 

Hyunjin and Yehbin also hadn't met before. She looked Hyunjin up and down, no greeting at first. Changbin rolled his eyes but then she slammed into him, overwhelming him with an embrace so tight you'd think the both were holding someone else for the first time.

 

The concept of home was one destined to be warped, misunderstood and twisted. For one thing, home was a space of endless consolation, and isolation was its consequence. Sometimes you'd rather succumb to your _Fernweh,_ questioning why you allowed anyone to keep you where you didn't want to be. _Home_ , Hyunjin had learned, was more complex than what lay above the surface. It was not merely a space, it was not only a person — home was a way of thinking, and most importantly, a choice.

 

Much to Hyunjin’s surprise, his relationship with Yehbin would later develop into that something Changbin had with Mia. The five-year-old accepted the pianist as her uncle; the fifteen-year-old accepted the outsider as a part of the family. Things were a bit awkward with Changbin's mum at first but the atmosphere loosened as time passed.

 

"Why, after all this time, did you suddenly decide you needed me back?" Changbin asked over glasses of wine and tea for Yehbin. No questions he had he wanted to leave unanswered, thus he asked even those that were so tough you'd choke on them.

 

Changbin's mum looked at him with a dispirited shadow over her eyes. "Yehbin-ah's fifteen now. She's leaving for high school."

 

A pause. An excruciating pause. Neither Changbin nor Hyunjin knew what that meant.

 

"It's an academy, a boarding school," Yehbin finished for her, taking her empty mug reading 'Nobody's Princess' to the sink. "I'll be living in a dorm with two girls. I've already met up with them to get closer."

 

Oh.

 

"You're the only ones I have left," said mum then. "If I could give you thousand years together then I would, but our time together is so limited. I came to realise that I didn't want to lose my son over an aspect of his being."

 

"You already wasted a lot of time, then." Hyunjin experienced only the kind and passionate sides of Changbin. Somewhere he’d read passion was all about patience, and Changbin was patience in person; while Changbin was sharp to his mother, he’d always been patient, too. Changbin had only showed him his best sides but diamonds had sharp edges too.

 

“I know.”

 

The rest of the evening offered great consolation. While Changbin’s face remained unsmiling for a large part of it, his shoulders did look less tense and the jocular Yehbin wanted to see none of her brother’s frowning.

 

Hyunjin talked knots into his tongue responding to his mother’s questions. She wanted to know everything about him right away; his own parents had been a little more relaxed, they’d wanted to learn about Changbin as they spent time together, which Changbin had found very endearing. Needless to say Hyunjin was overwhelmed with the sudden attention, and Changbin did see it was unpleasant, so he gestured for his mother not to overdo it and she got the message.

 

“Finally,” said Yehbin. Changbin and mum were in the kitchen; Yehbin was seated in front of the TV, and to feel less awkward Hyunjin just joined her watching. She turned around, turning the TV volume up. “Finally he’s dating somebody. Did he tell you you’re his first?”

 

Hyunjin cleared his throat. No, no that wasn’t anything he knew of. They hadn’t talked about exes except for Jisung. Changbin didn't seem inexperienced either. Changbin was his second, and Hyunjin was definitely not Changbin’s first. “I don’t … think that’s true, though. At least he didn’t tell me.”

 

“I know my brother.” Yehbin stretched out her legs and propped herself up on her elbows. Her shirt read ‘tell me about your cat’ and she’d painted a flower pattern on her jeans skirt. Her socks were black patterned with red hearts that had little yellow faces in them. She’d pierced each earlobe twice and wore a star earring in each outer one and dangly sun and moon earrings in the first ones. She looked a lot like Changbin even though she was totally different.

 

“My brother’s never dated anybody,” she went on, wiggling her toes. “And he’s not about that friends-with-benefits life either. One night stands-” She made a rejecting noise. “-totally not him. I squeezed that info out of him by the way. He tells me everything.”

 

That was all new to him. Sure, he could see why Changbin didn’t like casual intimacy. Although he tried to hide it he was a little insecure about his body and he always said he’d just wanted to be with someone he trusted. For some reason he still found it strange that Changbin seemed so experienced even though he apparently hadn’t been with anybody before.

 

“He certainly doesn’t seem it.”

 

Yehbin turned the TV volume up even louder. By now Changbin and mum probably wondered what it was that Wirt and Gregory were saying they found so important. “What’s your favourite anime?”

 

Hyunjin chuckled at the sudden change of topic. “I like Garden of Words.”

 

 

“Am I your first?”

 

Changbin looked away from the road, at Hyunjin for a brief moment. They were in Hyunjin’s car but Hyunjin had asked him to drive.  “No, why?”

 

“Your sister insisted I was. I didn’t really believe her.”

 

Changbin hummed a little, turning down Mariya Takeuchi’s voice. “She’s right, you know.” Hyunjin cocked his eyebrow. So what was the truth now? “When she says ‘Just believe someday you’ll find your hard time’s gone / Try not to look back on your yesterday’.”

 

Silence loomed over them for a little while. The car ride was uncomplicated and the roads were smooth. “You know, my sister thinks I tell her everything, but honestly, I don’t. I just tell her what satisfies her. I don’t think she needs to know everything about me all the time.”

 

“Makes sense.” There was a whole lot Jinyoung didn’t know about Hyunjin either. That’s just how it is sometimes with siblings.

 

“Next time she’s pushy you tell me,” sighed Changbin and Hyunjin just shrugged it off. Changbin placed a hand on his inner thigh and massaged it in thought. “We butt heads a lot. Ever since dad’s gone it’s always been just me, for some reason. It’s like I’m raising her but I shouldn’t, you know, because I’m her brother leading a different life, and I’m only twenty-four.”

 

“Twenty-four is a nice age,” remarked Hyunjin, placing a hand on Changbin’s on his thigh. “Hm.”

 

Changbin glanced at him. “I like you a whole lot, you know that?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

_Just believe someday you'll find your hard time's gone_

 

_Try not to look back on your yesterday_

 

_So keep on dreaming of tomorrow_

 

_Baby, close your brown eyes_

 

_Go back to your dreaming_

 

_You can see the blue sky spread_

 

 

 

 

**_And May._ **

 

 

 

 

Sunlight cast into the room through the thin blinds, falling onto Changbin’s sheet music, onto Hyunjin’s sleeping face next to him. The past days had been too stressful — Hyunjin was thinking about redecorating the apartment, Changbin was preparing for his next concert, there was always someone over. The two decided to put a stop to that, close the doors they always kept open for family and friends for a while.

 

For Hyunjin didn’t have a piano yet, Changbin was unable to practise for himself, but he arranged his sheet music into different folders and called it a day when he’d finished his phone calls for the job. Hyunjin didn’t wake up throughout the entirety of it.

 

Their first anniversary had been really beautiful and a lot of fun. Hyunjin realised then that it was getting more difficult to be away from Changbin for longer amounts of time. He naturally started telling him about everything he was doing even though Changbin, unlike most people, didn't ask a lot about if he had eaten or where he was. They were both busy with fixing their apartment for their moving together and even when it was done they always found themselves moving things around. Crazy, how time worked. A year with Changbin that felt like many. In a good way. The best way, even.

 

The exhaustion had come and did so at once. It was May. The weather was still cold but the outside was beautiful again, the muggy streets and parks shedding their cocoon to reveal the forsythia and magnolia they’d so painstakingly but successfully grown. Night fell early still but daytime was strong enough to linger again. The sun had taken the lead again, and when you watched your lover working with nothing on your mind, then the warmth and feeling of completion rocked you to sleep.

 

Hyunjin was in a deep slumber.

 

He did not hear the doorbell ring. Changbin eyed him for a long time, contemplating whether to wake him or not, ultimately deciding on the latter option. He stroked Hyunjin’s hair as he rose and made his way to the door.

 

It was certainly Yuqi. She didn’t care about rules and restrictions and Changbin wouldn’t even be too upset about that.

 

It wasn’t Yuqi, though.

 

Changbin opened the door for a man his age. The cold wind poked needles into Changbin’s skin and the man was shivering too, rubbing his red hands together and pressing them to his chest. The lower part of his face was buried in a scarf and big eyes stared back at Changbin. Spring here was always cold, often wet, and took its time to turn warmer.

 

“I’m sorry, is this Hwang Hyunjin’s place?”

 

Changbin opened the door wider for him and it rained into the apartment, landing on the porch and on Changbin’s socks. “Yes, please do come in, it’s too cold.” Hyunjin was sleeping but he’d wake him for this stranger.

 

Who was not that much of a stranger after all.

 

“He’s resting right now, he’s had a rough week. I’ll wake him in a minute. Would you like a coffee?”

 

The stranger assured him he didn’t have to wake Hyunjin if that was the case and that he’d leave again. Changbin insisted he first get a warm coffee or tea before hitting the road again during the brewing storm.

 

“I just came to see if everything’s fine. We … we were set to meet up last week, on May first, but he didn’t come. I came down to the well everyday but he never showed up. So I got worried and thought maybe something happened. He said he wouldn't forget.”

 

The stranger smiled shyly, rubbing his arm. He was wearing a thick jumper, sleeves a little too long.

 

Changbin was suddenly hit with a bit of realisation. At first he said nothing and stared at the stranger for a considerable amount of time — then he offered the coffee and a seat at the table again and said, “So _you_ are Han Jisung.”

 

Jisung and Changbin were enjoying their conversation. They were telling stories and they weren’t at all worried about what it was that stood between them. Perhaps it was a connection that they shouldn’t have but the words came so easily. Jisung appreciated the physical and spiritual warmth. He told him Hyunjin's parents had given him the address. When Changbin asked why they didn't have each other's numbers, Jisung didn't really know how to answer. He'd come to the city in his own car, so he wasn't at all bothered with the crowding.

 

Jisung always liked to laugh. The walls of this little apartment in the middle of the city, so high up the birds flew over their rooftops and shared their balcony, were thin and frail, so Jisung kept a hand on his mouth, making sure he didn’t wake Hyunjin. It was a bit funny, their whole situation. One Hyunjin wouldn't have imagined ever possible a year ago. It was like things were flipped upside down -- in a positive way.

 

They liked each other, they decided. “I didn’t think we’d ever meet,” said Jisung, rubbing his neck. “After what went down. I didn’t think Hyunjin and I would really be friends again, and I know now why he wouldn’t want that.” He beamed at Changbin. “You seem serious.”

 

“We are,” confirmed Changbin, stirring his coffee in thought. He looked at Jisung through his eyelashes, thinking hard if he should say what he wanted to say. Jisung was everything he imagined from what Hyunjin had told him. He'd never seen a photo, though. He just knew one existed. “And I think because of that you could be friends again.”

 

Jisung’s face lit up in confusion. Changbin told him he was serious. Their break-up had been deeply personal and with no bad blood whatsoever between them — their time spent together happy until it turned out to not be what they wanted. It didn’t erase the years of friendship, and Changbin trusted Hyunjin with everything he had, so he didn't mind at all.

 

“He still hasn’t taken off that photo he’s got of you,” laughed Changbin, eyes crinkling at the corners. “He hid it behind a photo of him and his brother weeks before we met.”

 

Jisung’s puzzled face gained even more depth. There were layers stacked upon each other that Changbin couldn’t quite figure out. “I don’t believe you,” chuckled Jisung, because it was simply too absurd to wrap his head around. Hyunjin _still_ had a photo of him up?

 

“When Hyunjin is drunk and sleepy, he says things that make too much sense and doesn’t remember them in the morning.”

 

 

Hyunjin slept until morning. Safe and sound, woken only briefly after Jisung’s departure to move to his bed and resume his sleep. For the first time in a long while, he rested for as long as he pleased, his body taking the time to recharge. Life had taken a toll on him. So much so, that he'd forgotten all about Jisung, a first time in forever.

 

He didn’t find out that Jisung had come visit his home until later that day. When Changbin told him, strolling around the park together, no longer afraid to hold hands, Hyunjin froze, unsure of what to think.

 

“I’ve never had a best friend like you had, so I think that isn’t something you should have let go.” Changbin said when they were leaning against a tree in the park. “He seems a great friend.”

 

Hyunjin was feeling both a wave of sadness and happiness, too. At the same time he couldn't really believe what he was hearing. Jisung had come? And Changbin didn't wake him? He wanted to believe it wasn't true but it was and it warmed him from the inside as much as it felt like a cold shower. This was kind of what he'd been waiting for. And Hyunjin just couldn't stop smiling. “He’ll be your friend, too.”

 

In his mind, Hyunjin had long come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t mourning Jisung’s _love;_ he was missing what it meant to be his _friend._ Jisung had always been a part of home.

 

Home also means that you can try again. Whenever you’re ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tatsuro yamashita, mariya takeuchi, junko ohashi, tomoko aran -- i can more than recommend their titles. the passages quoted here are from various songs, all of them masterpieces of their time. japanese city pop/funk/jazz from the 80s and 90s is a whole form of art by itself, so go do yourself the favour and give them a listen. thanks for reading !!


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